{Capture Your Grief – 2017} Day #5

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Day #5: Soul Therapy

It is no surprise that cakes are my soul therapy. They give me a creative outlet and they allow me to give other children something Clara never got.  Each week I am afforded an opportunity to celebrate milestones with families. There is not a word in the English language that is strong enough to describe the “love” I feel when each birthday cake leaves my home.

I have often said you can tell how stressful of a week I had by the awesomeness of the cake. Today I am not sure that is the case but I do appreciate that creating cakes is still a stress reliever. Each week I melt, kneed, measure, cut, and wrap up my stress and transform it into pieces of art.

Our special days are never guaranteed. Today, as I work on a new batch of cakes for the week, I am reminded of the real reason I create. I am reminded that it is an honor and privilege to be part of the memories these families set out to make. Each cake symbolizes a little stress, grief, and anxiety transformed into the perfect dessert wrapped in love and hope. <3

#WhatHealsYou #CaptureYourGrief

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{Capture Your Grief – 2017} Day #4

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Day #4: Belonging

I have never been good at maintaining close friendships.  I have almost always been transient and fluid, belonging to a wide variety of groups.  I have carried that into adulthood.  I find that I belong to a group for a while and then another comes along.  We all grow differently and I feel like that change is necessary to my own growth.  The one thing I have learned through my grief is that I connect with anyone who recognizes that my grief journey is not a problem that needs to be solved.

All too often people share words of comfort that veer toward solving the heartache rather than comforting the griever. It is like someone is trying to solve the problem by placing the puzzle piece in sideways.  Usually, they give up, put the piece back down, and move on.

Sometimes people don’t like the puzzle you have become.  They tend to walk away without a word. It’s not because they are mean or don’t care, but because they don’t know what to do.

Once-in-a-while you meet someone who not only places the piece down incorrectly, they jam it in and attempt to hammer in just so they can solve the problem their way. For me, this group of people was often those closest to my heart.  They also were the most upset/hurt when I shared how their problem solving was hurting me.

The people I try to surround myself with are those who care. They stop and listen and learn what is I need rather than telling me what is needed. I appreciate when people recognize that while my puzzle is almost complete, it will never be 100%. They don’t search me for that last piece nor try to craft a replacement one.  They acknowledge that Clara took a single piece with her.  They can stand back and appreciate the rest of the puzzle without thinking it is worthless.

I am forever grateful for my ever-changing tribe.  They are always the most amazing, caring, loving people.  Whether they are still with me today or have moved on, their lives touched mine at a time when I needed it most. For that I must say, thank you!

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYou

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{Capture Your Grief – 2017} Day #3

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Day #3: Meaningful Mantra

Mantras change just as our grief changes. I started with “She knew she could, so she did.”.  Then I moved to “share the comfort you have been given.”.  Today “I am enough” fits the year.

Strangers, friends, and even loved ones will say things about your loss that will make you question yourself.  I doubted so much about myself and my loss for so long.  Could I have done this differently or that differently?  Could I have handled this situation better? Could I have started an organization or done more to promote SIDS awareness?  Who knows.

Maybe I should have saved more things of Clara’s.  Maybe I should have given more away.  Maybe we should have waited to have another child.  Maybe we should have moved out of our home. Maybe we should have stayed longer.  Maybe I should have told people their words were hurtful.  Maybe I was too sensitive.  Maybe I didn’t cry enough.  Maybe I cried too much.  The list goes on and on.

I have hit the point in my life and grief journey where I feel the understanding the I am enough.  Who I am as a mother and a bereaved mother is enough. What I do to honor Clara is enough.  The remaining items I have of Clara’s is enough.

I know there may be a day when I lose everything we have left of Clara’s belongings.  While I know that will be a sad day for me, I also know that my heart will continue to share her life with others.  I know that she may not live on after I am gone.  I know that thinking that is okay.

I know that the cakes I create are enough to share my baby girl.  I know that I would be overwhelmed with a non-profit organization in her honor.  I know that cakes are the perfect remembrance and enough.

Lastly, I am enough.  I don’t need answers to all those questions on if I am good enough or did the right things.  I know it was enough for me.  I don’t need to be compared to anyone else.  You see, much like these traffic cones, we all have bumps, bruises, and scars yet we all get back up and do the job we were intended to do.  We stand together.  We are not the same. Our scars are not the same. We continue to love our kids, love ourselves, and hold on to hope that the scars won’t wear us down nor hold us back.

Move over guilt and grief…I am enough.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYou

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{Capture Your Grief – 2017} Day #2

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Day #2: Rise + Shine Mourning Ritual

Never been truer words.  In the early days, in your weakest moments, it takes work to get out of bed. You don’t feel strong enough to face the day. In those moments, I needed a routine, a ritual to help me build up the strength to get through each day.

Every morning, I got up and I ached. I ached because everything was new to my body, my mind, my heart. It hurt to move, to think, to love. The weight of my grief reminded me of the days when you first start working out. Each day I got stronger, my body able to carry the weight of grief.  There were days when I still felt weak. Then there were days when I thought I could handle more weight than I could.  I cried those days. My tears like a shower that washed the sweat off my body.  The next day I would start over and remind myself, it isn’t a race. There is no finish line.

As the years have passed, my strength has been built up. Rituals don’t always include tears. I often talk about Clara with a bold passion I never knew possible.  I still have moments of weakness, moments of guilt and fear. In those times, it is the reminder of our established rituals that keep me going and remind me of the strength that is deep within my heart.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYou

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{Capture Your Grief – 2017} Day #1

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Day 1 Sunrise:

Today is the beginning of a month-long grief project to fill October’s infant loss awareness month. I have participated in the project for many years and just like our grief changes, so has this project. This year is less about sharing our children and more about honoring them in our journey to heal. I know that there are days I plan to change a bit to meet the needs of my heart but I love the guidance the CarlyMarie Project Heal (#CaptureYourGrief) gives. I hope you join me each day as I share my journey through my own grief and hope.

Today I have chosen to quote, “They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite.” because even after eight years, there are still wounds in my heart. There is no time limit on grief. It stays with you every day of the rest of your life. Grief does change though. As the years go on, it morphs into different things. You feel differently, you deal with things differently. I continue to do this project to express how things change from year to year. It also gives me dedicated time to focus on the many blessings of Clara’s short life, my loss, and my growth/healing.

Good morning sunrise! Good morning Miss Clara! Today we begin a new chapter. #CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYou

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Missing a Special Day

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For eight years we have had a yearly tradition of participating in a yearly walk/run in memory of babies lost too soon to SIDS.  Our “Pink Lemonade” team has been there since the run’s first year.  Our tradition each year was to take our family picture with Clara’s sign.  It was a way for us to see how our family changed each year and a significant way to include Clara in that growth.  I always feared we would someday miss this event. This year we experienced that loss.

Infant loss is filled with so many “firsts” but this one is hard to put words to.  It is the first time we put Clara’s memory behind us in favor of other events.  It is surreal to know that the very last thing we held onto from South Dakota (and Clara’s past) is behind us (at least for this year).  Instead of spending the weekend with family and friends, we spent it at a pool with family and friends.  We missed out on our family picture and our yearly t-shirt swag.  We missed out of the balloon release and the kind words of remembrance.  We missed out on connecting with other SIDS families and we missed out on spending a day to just remember Clara.

And yet, we spent Saturday celebrating Clara’s rainbow.  This weekend we celebrated her brother’s first swim meet. We saw the smile of a little guy who has overcome so much!  The tiniest swimmer there who never hesitated to get on the starting blocks that stand as tall as his shoulders.  He sat with the big swimmers and listened to their advice.  We left with a different t-shirt.  One with Link’s name on it.  We got to cheer on this kid, yet it was different.

It is hard to look back and know you have to choose between your living child and your child in Heaven.  Walking around the pool today, I couldn’t help but notice the little girls trying to their hair under their caps and their goggles set.  It was one of Link’s teammates first meets too.  This little 8-year-old girl grabbed me by the hand and asked me if I could tell her when it was time to go line up.  It gave me a glimpse into what a swim experience might have been like if Clara was here today.  I so wanted to take a little selfie with that girl!! That simple, brief moment meant a lot to me.

As I look back on the weekend, I have to say thank you to everyone who made it special.  Thank you to Kevin and Tracee for walking in Clara’s memory for us!!  Your pictures left me in tears on the pool deck. Thank you to Brianne Edwards for keeping Clara’s sign and memory at the run even when we can’t make it. Thank you to the Iowa City Eels for being such a wonderful family too. Finally, thank you to everyone who thought of Clara this weekend. <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #31

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Sunset

Halloween is always such a busy night in our home.  I often miss the sunset or opt to take a picture the day before.  This year I decided that I would finish the month with an image of the very same plant I started it with.  If you remember, day 1 was Clara’s last remaining funeral plant with it’s very first bloom in almost two years. As the month has progressed I have watched in awe as that bloom has grown and another has grown too.

I feel like it is so symbolic of this month’s journey and writings.  So much growth can happen in the right conditions.  Thank you to everyone who helped create those right conditions for my growth. Thank you for allowing me to share my wounds with you. Thank you for all the words of encouragement each day. This project always allows me to search my soul and find comfort.  Tonight I close this book and enjoy the pink sweetheart-shaped flowers that have experienced as much growth in this month as I have.  I will smile, sigh, and know that sometimes things like this are the best reminders that Clara’s spirit is still touching us when we need it most. <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #30

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My Promise to You

I promise to lovingly remind the world that, while you aren’t here, your fairy tale cape still hangs here.  We promise to remind each other of your life and our memories. We promise to remember your birthday and your passing day.  We promise to remember how very special you are and how much you still belong to our family.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #29

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Give Away Your Love

Random acts of kindness.  I talked earlier this week about how important I find it to be to serve others and to reach out.  On day 29 the prompt for this project was to do a random act of kindness in honor of Clara.  Sadly we were mostly homebodies yesterday, only leaving to get a gallon of milk for today’s breakfast.  It was thought that trip that I was inspired to write my day 29 words.

Last night I ran into a young woman who works at Walgreens.  She is super friendly and I always look forward to seeing her in the pharmacy on my many trips throughout the month.  Lately, I haven’t seen her and sadly wondered if she had decided on a new opportunity. So when I saw her last night I had to go through her register.

She asked which kiddo was with me and asked how the kids were.  She didn’t recognize Damon’s name and I reminded her that I do have a few healthy kids.  She giggled and asked to remind her of how many kids I had.  I shared with her everyone including Clara.  I then asked why she hadn’t been at work much.  Turns out she is going to school to be a Physicians Assistant.  She said, “Missy, someday I want to be able to see your kiddos in the office not just through the window at the pharmacy. The things you deal with and the smile you always have, inspire me to want to help more people.”.

Sometimes our random acts of kindness are unknown even to ourselves.  We plant seeds that bloom at later times.  Seeds that positively impact someone we barely know.   I find that kindness, smiles, and service to others goes a long way to touching lives in a way that, sometimes, money can’t. I often share the ways in which we give in Clara’s memory but I feel like there are more things we give that go unnoticed, like kindness.  I have always been a firm believer that you never know what someone is dealing with. No matter how frustrated you are, you should always treat someone with kindness and respect. Last night I didn’t “give” anything but I was reminded that kindness and sharing touched someone’s heart in a way that moved her to help others.  We can’t change people, but we can plant the seeds that may one day bloom in them.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #28

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Self-Compassion

Looking at this mess of wires reminds me of those times in grief when you are just a mess.  It is easy to look at yourself and be your worst critic.  Other people’s comments will make you question whether you loved your child enough.  You will wonder if you were a good enough parent.  You will see this jumbled mess of emotions and wonder, am I ready for the world again?

I often hear people remind me to take time for myself.  I even have to remind myself once-in-a-while to stop and reorganize the tangled mess of my heart. It is easy to overlook the mess or to push it away because, let’s be real, who wants to untangle those cords?  To untangle means to struggle and possibly be angry, upset, or sad.  It is only through the time being mindful of our own struggles, that we can feel a more peaceful heart.

For me, some of my self-compassion time comes through this project.  For 31 days I have to set aside time to untangle the mess I pretend not to see. Writing forces me to be mindful and understanding that my feelings do change each year.  It makes me stop and recognize that my struggles are part of our human existence on this earth.  It knocks self-criticism to the curb by showing me that each of our struggles is different and it is okay to feel different.  Each year I am reminded that I still have things I want to work on. Reading other’s journeys often sparks things that remind me of something I hadn’t thought of or gives me a different way to look at things.

Each year I use this project to create a book.  It is the best feeling in the world to close the back cover and feel a sense of relief.  Relief not because I had a month long pity party but because I feel a new sense of calmness.  A calmness that can only come from accepting yourself and your feelings.  One that comes from seeing your own emotional resilience, learned wisdom, and even a little bit of happiness again.  So thank you to my husband and kids who let me use this month to take the time to do what is good for me.  In just a few days I will close this year’s book, breath a sigh of relief, and see the nicely organized words that were written from my heart.

day28#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

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