Wave of Light
Crazy to think we are half way through the month of October already! Today is a time of great reflection as we light a candle in memory of our little lady and also for the baby lost to miscarriage.
This is the first year that we will not be home at 7pm to participate in the wave. Instead of the waiting to light a candle until nightfall I chose to keep my Scentsy nightlight on all day with a scent that reminds me of fall and babies. It was actually comforting to come home from a walk and smell the reminder of their memory in the air.
We wouldn’t be where we are today if we hadn’t have Clara or the miscarriage. As I set up the candles and Clara’s picture my little ones again asked questions and talked about her. Haleigh took one of Clara’s stuffed bears for her animal collection.
We talked about other babies and young children who we light these candles in memory of. So many that Preston, “Mom, that’s too many. I can’t remember them all.”. I told him that is why we do this project. We hope that nobody else has to know what it is like to lose a baby. We don’t want anyone to forget Clara or any other baby along the way.
Together we said a prayer for all the families that will always have a little piece of their heart in Heaven. Tonight we will be thankful for the time we had and the life we held in our arms and the life we had hoped to hold.
“Angels of Heaven hear my plea.
Take care of my baby, just for me.”
We were fortunate in our ability to capture so many pictures of some of our memories. There are some that we have no physical images of though. Like the time Daddy was changing Clara’s diaper and she sneezed, farted, and pooped at the same time. The laugh from Daddy was hilarious. Clara managed to shoot poop 3 feet off the changing table and onto the wall. Even after clean up that wall saved the memory. When we found out we were expecting and decided to repaint the baby room, the memory remained. The stain just appeared again after the paint dried. Each time we washed walls we talked about that memory. It is one that Clara’s older brothers remember well too. It was one memory that was hard to leave behind when we moved out the home we shared with her.
Today I took some time to look through the 400+ pictures we have of Clara. Most brought back lovely memories of her beautiful smile, her cute laugh, and her love for her Daddy. She was certainly a Daddy’s girl. I found a couple that reminded me of things I had forgotten. Even in such a short life there are so many memories. I cling to them like the clothespins that hold these pictures. Once in a while one falls but someone picks it up and shares it with me and I can add it back to the line. Today I am grateful to get to hang a few more memories in my heart.
Do you have a memory of Clara you would like to help me hang back up? Comment with #IRememberWhen … something about the announcement, pregnancy, life, passing, or something that has been done in her memory. I will add those memories to the book I create at the end of each #CaptureYourGrief project. I will cherish the memories you share <3
Today is a hard day for me because I have so many good memories of the time we had with Clara. There is however one memory that sticks with me and replays in my mind more often than that awful May day that she left us. Quite honestly I am ashamed to even write this but I know to be truthful I should. One day, shortly before she passed, I got frustrated with Clara and the look in her eyes and on her face is one that I can’t get out of my mind. It is a look that I have never seen in any of my kids eyes and hope I never do again. That day didn’t include and hitting or anything, I just looked at her and told her I don’t have a clue what you want. With tears streaming down both our faces we just sat and looked at each other. To this day I feel like I let her down. I pray every day that she did know I loved her very much. I know it still affects me today as I interact with my little ones and even by big boys. I am much more aware of how I react to them and how my words can affect them. I try my best not to “knock them down a notch”.
This big smiley girl taught me that being a parent isn’t easy but I can do it and do it with respect for my children’s feelings. I can parent without tearing them down. I can parent without creating fear. I can parent in a better way that earns the respect of my kids rather than demanding it.