Tag Archives: #WhatHealsYourHeart

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #14

Leave a reply

Beliefs & Spirituality

One cannot experience a life changing event without some shaking of your belief system.  Sometimes the rattle is large, sometimes small.  I have found that no matter the change, one must find their own way back to their belief system, whatever it may be.

One can shout from the rooftops their beliefs but it is in their actions that it is revealed.  Today I have opted to share only that I struggled with my beliefs in religion.  I am a believer of God but not the “religion” aspect.  I think the biggest reason for that is the pastor of the very conservative church we attended at Clara’s passing.  “You are so fortunate.  Had you not baptized Clara we would have been begging for her entry into Heaven rather than celebrating her life.”  I imagine how differently her funeral would have been if that were the case. No life deserves to be mourned in that way.  It was in those words and the pastor’s actions over the next year that were what caused me to walk away from religion.

Don’t get me wrong, we still attend church just not one that has a ton of “requirements” or “rituals”.  We attend one that allows us to believe that the todays image is how Clara met Heaven.  It is one that doesn’t require me to use my words convince a griever that they must follow a certain belief.  Rather one that reminds me it is just as powerful to allow my actions to share my testimony. Love everyone, treat them with respect, smile, and share your heart.  You never know when that will be the step that leads someone out of the darkness.

day14

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #12

Leave a reply

Lemons + Lemonade

Lemons & lemonade was something that my husband talked about during Clara’s wake.  Since then we have always called things our Pink Lemonade.  My blog name, our team name for the run, even the logo for my business ties back to it.

For me the biggest lemonade is finding my gift for cake decorating.  You see our “rainbow baby” was born before we honored Clara’s first anniversary of her passing.  On the day that our “rainbow” was officially older than his sister, he was diagnosed with a lifelong medical condition.  It would require a major surgery before he turned one. What a basket of lemons!

After spending 21 days in Iowa City getting amazing care, we went home and celebrated his first birthday.  It was then that we realized how special birthdays really were.  Not every kid gets to celebrate them and there are so many more that fight like mad to see their next one.  We often assume that our kids will see tomorrow.  As parents we should be treating each day and especially each birthdays like it is their last one.  Life can change in an instant.

Everyday I am making a little lemonade in memory of my little girl.  My heart always has birthdays and especially first birthdays close to it.  I LOVE making them!  They show me that so many little ones that have made it through another year.  They give me a chance to create what I didn’t get to with Clara.  With every birthday cake I deliver, I make a wish for another year for the recipient and family.  With every baby shower and gender reveal cake, I make a wish for a healthy, loved baby who gets to see their first baby.  With every wedding cake, I wish for ease of fertility and healthy babies (if desired because there are couples that are happy baby free).

I am so thankful to have had the chance to find my caking talent.  Being able to use it in a way to honor Clara makes it even sweeter.  When Happy Cake Baker makes your cake you are getting so much more than a delicious cake and beautiful decorations.  You are getting a piece of my heart and a wish for another year.

2016captureyourgriefday12

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

#CaptureYourGrief – Day #21

Leave a reply

Sacred Space

#CaptureYourGriefDay21

My place of reflection, my sacred place, has changed over the past few years. I have found that there isn’t one place that is sacred to me.  I firmly believe any space can be a sacred space.  It is the love you have that can make it sacred.  It isn’t about objects or spaces but the love that you feel or offer in them.

 In the beginning my sacred space was her little peanut in our front yard.  I would sit on the tiny bench under the shade of her tree.  It was comforting.  The shade felt like an umbrella of protection in a world that could be so abrasive.

We have been very fortunate to have sold our home to a wonderful family who have taken care of that tree.  Last Christmas I got a picture of Clara’s tree decorated in pink lights in her memory.  I hold a special place in my heart for them.  Anyone else might have let the tree go or never thought of how special it was to us.  They took the time to care of her tree and think of her life and how important she was to us. It was a heartwarming gesture that meant a lot to us!

After our move my sacred place became that same bench but instead of it being under the tree, it sits near our front door.  We walk by it everyday.  As I was trying to find an image for today my camera revealed something that touched my heart.  That bench is in so many pictures from the past year!  Our easter pictures, family pictures, even the first day of school!!  It is an hidden reminder that Clara might be physically missing but she is still part of our lives each day.

Today my sacred space is really times that I think of her.  Sometimes it is while watching the kids play.  Sometimes it is when we serve others.  I would say it would even be the Run for Their Live’s event.  When we share our love, our comfort, our hearts, we share our sacred place.

Love makes every space sacred & every moment meaningful.

1395927_10153433730792519_2732631914880587256_n

Clara’s tree Christmas 2014

firstdayofschool

#WhatHealsYou

Share

The CarlyMarie Project – Day 18

Leave a reply

                                       Gratitude

 

Throughout my loss I have found that gratitude changes.  Things I took advantage of before I found have new meaning.  I am grateful to share in some of the simplest things.  Just like in the days after losing Clara I continue to search each day for something to be grateful for.  Today I captured an image of the first thing I saw today… My messy living room.  It is one of those “odd” things to be thankful for.  When Clara died my living room was filled with baby toys, a swing, a play mat, baby clothes, diapers, wipes, transformers, and more.  In the weeks that followed my husband and I slowly packed these items up, put them away, or donated them.  It made our home feel so empty just like our empty arms.  It was such a shock to go from everything to nothing.  It makes todays messy living room feel welcomed.  Today I smile and capture a memory of something that I will someday miss again but love right now.

 PicsArt_10_18_2014 10_43_52 AM Enjoy the little things!!

#WhatHealsYourHeart
#CaptureYourGrief

Share

The CarlyMarie Project – Day 12

Leave a reply

                                         Music

 

Over the course of the past few years I have shared music that reminds me of Clara.  Each year that list grows by a song of two.  After lots of thought I felt like there is a part of grief that often doesn’t get talked about.  It is a time that should be filled with tremendous happiness.  For mothers who have lost a baby, this time can be filled with apprehension, sadness, and happiness.  That time is pregnancy and first year of life.

Frozen has become a much watched movie in my home.  As I have been working on this years CarlyMarie Project I have found one of the songs to really touch my heart.  It isn’t because of the overall lyrics, although there are several lines that do speak volumes to how I felt.  For the First Time in Forever shows the back and forth battle my heart went through being both happy and fearful.

elsa-anna

 “I’m getting what I’m dreaming of. A chance to change my lonely world.  A chance to find true love.”

When I got pregnant with Lincoln just 6 weeks after we lost Clara we were happy.   I had a chance to fill our empty, aching arms with another little life.  How could I not be excited?  I was going to have another chance to hold a little one.  I was excited and yet I was very fearful.

“Don’t let them in.  Don’t let them see.  Be the good girl you always have to be.”  

There were days I just wanted to scream how fearful I was and yet I couldn’t.  I often heard “Fear isn’t from God.  Good women of Christ give it to God and then they can find peace.”  It made me feel as though I needed to hide the feelings of my heart so that I could be that “good woman of Christ”.  I did give my fears to God, but I am human and I can still feel fearful.  I can worry and still feel everything will be okay.

Today I am no longer having children and my littlest is 19 months old.  The back and forth that Anna and Elsa have in this song has subsided a bit but the song brings back those bittersweet months and years of elation and apprehension.  It is a back and forth I hope outsiders can look into and be the friend that asks about it.  Ask that mom what she fears most.  Listen to her.  Hug her.  Let her know that it is okay and normal.  You will help heal her heart!

#WhatHealsYourHeart
#CaptureYourGrief

Share

The CarlyMarie Project 2014 – Day 1

Leave a reply

Sunrise

Sunrise - 7:03am -October 1, 2014 - North Liberty IA

Sunrise – 7:03am -October 1, 2014 – North Liberty IA

As the sun rises on the first day of Infant Loss, Stillborn, and SIDS Awareness Month I begin another year of the CarlyMarie Project.  It is a project I continue to look forward to each year as it gives me a chance to search my heart, shed some tears, and look back at the little life we once held.  It gives me comfort to reflect each day with such purpose and love.

My journey this year begins with the rising of the sun.  So often we awe at the beauty of each sunrise and similarly we do at the birth of our child(ren).   The sunrise reminds me of the little girl we held for a short time and the joy that came with her.  Just as the sunrise is short, so was her life on Earth.  But the promise of the sunrise each morning reminds me of the promise I will see her again in Heaven for each sunrise is another day closer to seeing her again.

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYourHeart

Share