Beliefs

Losing a child can either bring you closer to God or push you away.  I think each of us deals with grief in such different ways that it is hard to know how we will be affected until we have had to experience it.  For me Clara’s death being ruled SIDS created less anger in me on how she died.  After researching and reading about SIDS I realized that no person caused this.  Yes there are risk factors that played a part but if they hadn’t happened May 12, 2009 would this have happened on any other day??  I truly believe that when it is our time to be called Home, we must leave.  I feel little anger toward God because we know Clara didn’t suffer.  She peacefully went to sleep.  I am always thankful of the short time we got to share with her.

When it comes to the questions of why…  That is a little harder.  At first I questioned what I had done to deserve this.  Was it punishment for past sins?  Then there is guilt for asking God why.  For some reason many churches tell us we shouldn’t ask God why and that “it happens for a reason”.   I found neither of those to be comforting and actually to create more anger.  It was only after some reading that I realized and was comfortable with knowing it is okay to ask why.  Joshua, Moses, Jeremiah, and David did.  Even Jesus did!  “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:45).  I was aware I may never see an answer to my question of why or that the answer might not be answered in the way that I want.  Today I feel like some of my “why?” has been answered.  Sometimes it is something as simple as getting asked about safe sleep or as big as meeting a newly bereaved family.  I think of all the good things I have seen in the years since her passing and am thankful the the gift to be able to see each one.

I also believe that Clara’s passing has changed our family focus.  I see changes in our boys as they share with us why they believe in God.  Christmas and Easter have far more meaning that just candy, eggs, and presents.  It is because of the birth of Jesus and his death and resurrection that we know we will see Clara again.   To watch the impact this has made on our family has only strengthened my faith.   We have shifted our family focus toward serving and helping others.  I am amazed at the gift of compassion and strength God has given me to share my faith with others throughout my journey.  It is something I never envisioned myself doing.

When others ask about having our 4 boys and that we finally got our girl… I often reply that we actually have 2 girls, one in our arms and one in the arms of Jesus.  It is something I believe to be true.  I really do think she is waiting for the day when each of us is called home.  I believe that she welcomed the baby we lost by miscarriage last year and that they wait for us together.

“I think rain is  Clara laughing so much at Lincoln and Preston’s funny things that she is crying.  You know why I think that?  Because there are no sad tears in Heaven.”  Mason
“Yeah, I don’t like it when people say that rain is crying from Heaven.  Heaven isn’t supposed to be sad. I think Clara is always smiling and saving me a turn of the gold xbox.” Damon

“Mom, if we digged Clara out of the ground and opened up her box, would she be all bones?  Is she going to be just bones in Heaven?”  Mason

“If Clara was still alive I don’t think Lincoln would be here.  I don’t know what is more sad, thinking Lincoln my not be alive or that Clara had to die when she was a baby.”  Damon

“How will I know who Clara is when I get to Heaven?”  Damon and Mason
“She will be waiting for you.  God promises we will know.” Me