Explore

 

Exploring my grief journey was nothing short of a mess of mass confusion.  I am not always sure how I got to the point where life was good again.  I sometimes fear that I missed some part of the process because I didn’t have as many tears as others.  I look back and find two things that helped me to keep moving forward.  Finding the good in every day and keeping envy at bay absolutely were, and still are, the most important things to my survival.

We can never be at peace if we are always comparing ourselves, our grief, our changes, our lives, our families, or anything else against someone else.  I know that in the beginning of my journey I was guilty of this.  I compared myself to other mothers and asked God why they got to keep their kids and not me.  Why me, why not them?  Yeah, it was that bad but I am not ashamed to admit it because it happens to us all.  We all just want to know why because it isn’t fair in our eyes.  As the years have passed there has always been a hiccup here and there with some piece of my grief.  Each detour requires a need for me to stop and a reminder to look up instead of around me.  I am special and shaped in the way God wants me and so are those around me.  I don’t want to long for what someone else has or does.  I need to be me, I need to survive and be happy.

Another key to my journey has been finding good in every day.  This is the one thing I have done since Clara’s funeral.  It was my lifejacket in the rough seas.  As long as I found something good, no matter how small, I could focus on seeing blessings rather than all the other crappy things that come with losing a child.  When my husband was having a really tough time, we started doing this as a couple.  Some days my “good” was a hug or a smile and slowly my “good” became more.  It is the more that began to heal my heart.  The connecting with another mother, participating in an event, days when I could smile through tears.  Those are the moments I tend to focus on more because I have those happy moments to fall back on.  When some of the more sad moments come up I am able to say, “yeah but remember what happened right after that?” and there is a good memory to fill in too.

Today I feel at peace with my journey.  Every journey is filled with bumps and detours and mine is no exception.  Today I am at a place where I feel comfort, peace, and hope.  I can celebrate Clara’s life and talk about her with others.  I can share some of the most personal parts of my journey with honesty and not be fearful of being judged.  My journey is 5 years old and yet still so many years away from being over.  Looking ahead at all those years has me wondering about so many things.  How will I handle missing special events like prom, graduation, wedding, children?  I want to meet those dates with grace and hope.  I want to look out there are see those celebrating parents and be thankful for them, be happy for them.  I hope to be able to look at my nephew who was born 6 months after Clara and hug him on his these very same special events.  I want to be there for Clara’s friend Alexis as she experiences milestones and be happy to see this special young lady reminding us of ours.  I want for no other family to walk this journey of grief and yet I want to be there to help them if it does happen.   I want for nothing more than to be happy and remember all the lives my little girl has touched.

 

#WhatHealsYourHeart
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