Tag Archives: Healing

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #27

Leave a reply

Family is Forever

Nothing can change the fact that our family will always feel incomplete.  We will always have a school picture that won’t change when everyone else’s does.  People will always notice our large age gap between the big boys and the little boys.  What we can change is how we acknowledge our gap.

For our family, our favorite way to acknowledge Clara’s place in our family is by taking our yearly family picture at the Walk, Run, Race for Their Live’s event. Although we started creating a team in Clara’s memory in 2009, we didn’t take our first family photo with her banner until 2010.  It has been both healing and a way to make new, meaningful memories together.  This year a professional photographer shared her talent to help all the families take a picture with their little one’s image.

With each picture, these images remind us of the good times we dedicate to making new memories with Clara.  It isn’t the way I ever imagined it to be but I am thankful for the opportunity to create new traditions with the kids.  The time the kids spend talking to family and friends and hearing stories of their sister make it a meaningful way to knit our family a little tighter.
day27

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou
#PinkLemonade

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #26

Leave a reply

#WhatHealsYou

As we grow I think the things that heal us change. I have touched on how cakes and writing have helped heal my heart but there is something else that heals me too. Giving. It is one thing we can do by ourselves or as a family.

In the beginning giving felt a bit more out of selfishness than anything. Shortly after Clara passed we donated our very large diaper & wipe stash to the local women’s shelter. We couldn’t bear to see them in the closet anymore. We needed them out and the shelter seemed like a good solution.

A month after Clara passed I knew I was going to have to do something with the breastmilk I had stored in the freezer. The thought of having to pour it down the drain made me sick. After a few calls to the local hospitals, I was directed to the Rocky Mountain Mother’s Milk Bank . They were so welcoming and comforting in explaining the process of how to donate. In all Clara and I donated 352 oz. It was comforting to know that there were babies who were going to benefit a great deal from Clara’s life.

Today I also want to highlight that grief doesn’t just come from the death of a child. Some of my grief is found in the loss of dreams for my Lincoln. It is a different grief but one that gets glossed over sometimes as “you are so lucky he is alive”. While I agree we are fortunate, there is grief and guilt to work through. In 2010, after Lincoln’s medical issues and allergies prevented him from using breastmilk, he and I donated 2222 oz to the Mother’s Milk Bank of Iowa. Again it helped us make the best of the hand we were dealt.

After talking to so many NICU families, I know that this kind of giving touches them deeply. It brings them a small comfort in the stress of watching their tiny baby fight for each day. If it helped just one baby have a better chance to reach their first birthday, that brings me comfort.

As grief changes so does our giving. What was once to make me feel better, now I do it to help others. For me, it reminds me of the best things others did for me when I was hurting. Sometimes just a simple “I am thinking of you” can touch a person in a very much needed way. A little note to say I thought of your loved one today or I am thinking of your medically needy kiddo. A few cupcakes to a teacher having a rough week or a Christmas gift for a little girl who is the same age Clara would be. These are all ways that can touch other lives and bring me comfort.

I have had a few people tell me it is unhealthy to give so much. They have said I only do it for the attention. I should seek some counseling. I am not looking for the rewards. I know how it touches my heart when someone shares they visited Clara’s grave and shared a story about her with their little ones. It is comforting when someone remembers her birthday or her passing day. It is comforting when families share they keep a safe sleep environment for their baby. It is healing to do the same for others, to offer comfort with a heart gift. No matter how big or small you feel your gesture is, remember this… you absolutely never know when it will turn out to be the pick-me-up that only God knew that person needed.

2016captureyourgriefday26

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #23

Leave a reply

Sounds, Season, Scents

It is no surprise that my favorite season is spring.  It is the season of rebirth and beauty.  It is the season that Clara saw in her short life.  Spring reminds me of pink and everything we love about her.  Spring isn’t always perfect.  It can be unpredictable but one thing that is always true is that spring means new growth.  It means I will be seeing my favorite flowers and making a trip to South Dakota.  The years that these lovely flowers have been blown off by the wind way too early remind me of the little life we lost too soon.

As the birds begin to chirp it reminds me of the dove in the cemetery the day of the funeral. One of our favorite parts of spring is the return of the ducks to the river.  The kids and I enjoy visiting and feeding them.  We visit the Statue of Hope at City Park in Iowa City.  We walk the area and watch as the river rises.  A reminder that not everything will go according to plan.  We will have unexpected losses but there is always rebuilding afterward.  With rebuilding comes so many new friendships and new doors to open.  Life isn’t the same but we return and continue to grow.

The smell of the warmer air and lovely smell of light rain are always welcome.  Winter is bare and empty.  No sounds but the howling wind. Nothing to look at but bare trees and frozen ground. Spring means the beginning of warmth. It reminds me of the warmth I felt when Clara arrived.  Spring reminds me of her smiles and the love she radiated. The rain softly falls reminding me of the days we stayed in our pj’s all day, cuddling by the window.  Spring just reminds me of all the best things of Clara. It is absolutely my favorite and no other season will ever compare. <3

2016captureyourgriefday23#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #21

Leave a reply

Relationships

Relationships remind me of this critter car in my image.  We are all different and unique in our experiences and yet, we have found a way to journey together.  Each has a strength they can share and each has a weakness they are seeking help with.  It is that support system that this griever sought.

One thing I didn’t expect was the number of new relationships I would find through my grief.  I have met so many wonderful people, many that I still talk to often.  These relationships  were much needed as some of my previous connections changed.  I have come to understand that  friendships come and go with the seasons of life.  It is a rarity that friendships end, they simply change.  Some of my best relationships and friendships took a back seat in my time of need.  I had to remind myself that they would be there when this season of grief changed.  As the years have passed, those relationships did come back.  Some were the same, others were different. Today I am thankful to have so many people to reach out to when I need.  I also have a fond appreciation for those who reach out to me at random and become the connection I have been secretly needing.

day21

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #16

Leave a reply

Full Moon Retreat

It is easy to be the sun that brightens someone’s day but sometimes what a griever really needs is a moon in their darkest hour. It is easy to get lost in the sea of darkness. Trusting you will make it through feels impossible. As the moon grows, so does our ability to see the path. It isn’t easy to trudge through what is in front of us but the moon reminds you that know you are not alone in your journey.  Eventually the sun begins to shine in the horizon and the moon begins to fade.  It doesn’t mean the moon is gone forever.  Once in a while it hangs in the horizon. A simple reminder that even though you have made it through the hardest part, it is still there whenever the darkness returns.

day16

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #14

Leave a reply

Beliefs & Spirituality

One cannot experience a life changing event without some shaking of your belief system.  Sometimes the rattle is large, sometimes small.  I have found that no matter the change, one must find their own way back to their belief system, whatever it may be.

One can shout from the rooftops their beliefs but it is in their actions that it is revealed.  Today I have opted to share only that I struggled with my beliefs in religion.  I am a believer of God but not the “religion” aspect.  I think the biggest reason for that is the pastor of the very conservative church we attended at Clara’s passing.  “You are so fortunate.  Had you not baptized Clara we would have been begging for her entry into Heaven rather than celebrating her life.”  I imagine how differently her funeral would have been if that were the case. No life deserves to be mourned in that way.  It was in those words and the pastor’s actions over the next year that were what caused me to walk away from religion.

Don’t get me wrong, we still attend church just not one that has a ton of “requirements” or “rituals”.  We attend one that allows us to believe that the todays image is how Clara met Heaven.  It is one that doesn’t require me to use my words convince a griever that they must follow a certain belief.  Rather one that reminds me it is just as powerful to allow my actions to share my testimony. Love everyone, treat them with respect, smile, and share your heart.  You never know when that will be the step that leads someone out of the darkness.

day14

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #13

Leave a reply

Dear World

Clara passed away due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  SIDS knows no boundaries.  It affects all socioeconomic groups.  It affects all ethnicities and religions.  It is unknown what causes it. Clara had some risk factors including blankets in her sleep area and on her tummy.  If it hadn’t happened May 12th, 2009, it could have happened another day.  It could have happened in our care. Clara was super sleepy that morning.  She slept until just before I went to work at 10am.  Had it been my day off I would have found her.

 

Dear World – It wasn’t my daycare’s fault.

I do not place fault on my daycare.  This is probably one of the hardest things for other’s to understand.  I have heard so many say, “I would have sued.”, “I would never go back.”, “Do you ever wonder…”.  To which I reply … SIDS knows no bounds.  In my mind the answer was and still is to find the remedy rather than place blame. My inner peace comes from offering compassion instead of blame.

Our daycare lady was like another grandma to our children.  Clara’s death affected her too.  She needed compassion and love.  She needed to know that this wasn’t her fault.  She changed the way future babies slept to help reduce their risk.  She told new parents about Clara’s passing. She cried when we asked if we could continued to take our children to her.  She even got to hold two more of our babies before I had to start staying home. We worked on a remedy that would bring our families closer together. I am thankful for that because it meant I could ask her questions about that fateful day and she was open and honest in answering them.

Today I had a different idea and had planned to blog about getting stuck in the darkness.  As I tried to capture the tunnel I found an ugly (but necessary) emergency call poll in they way.  Instead of complaining I took a few steps back and worked out a remedy.  It made for an amazing picture and inspired a different subject to write about. It is a great reminder that in grief and in every day life, we need to remember that things turn out best for people who make the best our the way things turn out. We can’t control life but we can control the way we handle it.

day-13

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #12

Leave a reply

Lemons + Lemonade

Lemons & lemonade was something that my husband talked about during Clara’s wake.  Since then we have always called things our Pink Lemonade.  My blog name, our team name for the run, even the logo for my business ties back to it.

For me the biggest lemonade is finding my gift for cake decorating.  You see our “rainbow baby” was born before we honored Clara’s first anniversary of her passing.  On the day that our “rainbow” was officially older than his sister, he was diagnosed with a lifelong medical condition.  It would require a major surgery before he turned one. What a basket of lemons!

After spending 21 days in Iowa City getting amazing care, we went home and celebrated his first birthday.  It was then that we realized how special birthdays really were.  Not every kid gets to celebrate them and there are so many more that fight like mad to see their next one.  We often assume that our kids will see tomorrow.  As parents we should be treating each day and especially each birthdays like it is their last one.  Life can change in an instant.

Everyday I am making a little lemonade in memory of my little girl.  My heart always has birthdays and especially first birthdays close to it.  I LOVE making them!  They show me that so many little ones that have made it through another year.  They give me a chance to create what I didn’t get to with Clara.  With every birthday cake I deliver, I make a wish for another year for the recipient and family.  With every baby shower and gender reveal cake, I make a wish for a healthy, loved baby who gets to see their first baby.  With every wedding cake, I wish for ease of fertility and healthy babies (if desired because there are couples that are happy baby free).

I am so thankful to have had the chance to find my caking talent.  Being able to use it in a way to honor Clara makes it even sweeter.  When Happy Cake Baker makes your cake you are getting so much more than a delicious cake and beautiful decorations.  You are getting a piece of my heart and a wish for another year.

2016captureyourgriefday12

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #11

Leave a reply

Creative Heartwork

Over the past seven years we have been given many gifts in remembrance of Clara.  Angels, jewelry, flowers, tokens at the cemetery.  This year when we were back in South Dakota we were surprised with the beautiful heartwork.  This blanket is absolutely everything Clara from the pink butterflies to the green stripes.  It reminds me of her flower play mat with the crinkly butterfly.  It reminds me of the lovely white dress she work for Easter, our family pictures, and as her last outfit.

We will forever treasure the blanket/quilt.  You know what makes it even more awesome?! It was on display in a South Dakota fabric store for several weeks. Even though it is years later, someone still took the time to share Clara’s memory with the world and then give this gift to us to treasure.  <3

day11

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou

Share

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #1

Leave a reply

Sunrise

October is here and with it comes a month of openness about my loss.  This project is always one of growth and healing for me.  I both enjoy and fear this journey but I always know that in it I find great comfort.

As always Day #1 is about the sunrise.  Today is a dreary day with tons of clouds.  I wasn’t able to get an amazing sunrise picture but what I did capture is the essence of this project.  You see that tiny pink flower in the pot?  Tiny.  That is the first new flower that has risen from the leaves since our move to Iowa.  It is growth!  This plant is the last surviving one from Clara’s funeral.  I worried that after 2 years I may never see the lovely pink flowers again.  This week I was pleasantly surprised and humbly reminded that growth isn’t always quick.  Growth takes time just as healing does.

This project may not be for everyone today.  You may feel lost or overwhelmed.  You might be too early in your journey or feel the loss was too long ago to bring up.  Today just remember that it doesn’t matter how quickly you grow and heal but that you never stop working toward it.

Hugs from Iowa!

day1

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou
Share