Tag Archives: guilt

{Capture Your Grief – 2017} Day #3

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Day #3: Meaningful Mantra

Mantras change just as our grief changes. I started with “She knew she could, so she did.”.  Then I moved to “share the comfort you have been given.”.  Today “I am enough” fits the year.

Strangers, friends, and even loved ones will say things about your loss that will make you question yourself.  I doubted so much about myself and my loss for so long.  Could I have done this differently or that differently?  Could I have handled this situation better? Could I have started an organization or done more to promote SIDS awareness?  Who knows.

Maybe I should have saved more things of Clara’s.  Maybe I should have given more away.  Maybe we should have waited to have another child.  Maybe we should have moved out of our home. Maybe we should have stayed longer.  Maybe I should have told people their words were hurtful.  Maybe I was too sensitive.  Maybe I didn’t cry enough.  Maybe I cried too much.  The list goes on and on.

I have hit the point in my life and grief journey where I feel the understanding the I am enough.  Who I am as a mother and a bereaved mother is enough. What I do to honor Clara is enough.  The remaining items I have of Clara’s is enough.

I know there may be a day when I lose everything we have left of Clara’s belongings.  While I know that will be a sad day for me, I also know that my heart will continue to share her life with others.  I know that she may not live on after I am gone.  I know that thinking that is okay.

I know that the cakes I create are enough to share my baby girl.  I know that I would be overwhelmed with a non-profit organization in her honor.  I know that cakes are the perfect remembrance and enough.

Lastly, I am enough.  I don’t need answers to all those questions on if I am good enough or did the right things.  I know it was enough for me.  I don’t need to be compared to anyone else.  You see, much like these traffic cones, we all have bumps, bruises, and scars yet we all get back up and do the job we were intended to do.  We stand together.  We are not the same. Our scars are not the same. We continue to love our kids, love ourselves, and hold on to hope that the scars won’t wear us down nor hold us back.

Move over guilt and grief…I am enough.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYou

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 21

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                                 Relationship

 

relationship  Relationships are ever changing but the loss of a child can move changes along much sooner and faster than we could ever anticipate.  Suddenly we are thrust into an emotional roller coaster that loops for one spouse when it is flat for the other.  It becomes a crazy dance that each must work hard to understand.  Each of us grieves so differently and at our own pace.  It can create so much confusion and guilt.

We want to help our partners and yet we want them to help us.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t help my husband and he felt guilty he couldn’t help me.  We were just two totally different grievers.  We struggled apart and yet we struggled together.  We started talking about the common things we were struggling with and with that forged a way to help without guilt.  We had to work hard to continue to stay connected, to feel loved, and to work through issues.

There are other parts of a relationship that can be affected by loss too. Perhaps one of the most taboo topics is sex after such a loss of a child. It isn’t uncommon to find couples expecting again quickly after their loss.  We found ourselves in that boat.  The guilt we shared as a couple was overwhelming.  The public was quick to judge and place guilt.  “Replacing your baby isn’t going to help.”  “They didn’t love their baby much if they can turn around and create another one so quickly.”  Others acted disgusted that in a time of loss that act was even on a couple’s mind.  I often felt guilty that we even found sex was right at a time of such sadness.  It isn’t like after you give birth where they say wait 6 weeks.  After a loss there really isn’t any timeframe. Some couples wait while others don’t. Some doctors tell couples to wait, others say whenever you are ready.  After talking together we found that even though other’s words left us to feel guilty, we shouldn’t feel that way.  We weren’t replacing anyone, we were simply loving each other in a way that was comforting to both of us.

As with most relationships our’s continues to grow and change. It’s change is not nearly as quick and forceful as it did the year we lost Clara.  We still work through guilt as it creeps in.  We still have time set aside to talk.  We take trips to the cemetery together once in a while. We still share dreams and goals.  We continue to grow our relationship and faith together because we know strength and weakness, love and guilt, happy and sad, hope and fear and we aren’t afraid to keep tackling them together.

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYourHeart

 

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