You Now

I am far from the amount of pain I experienced 4 years ago and yet sometimes it is just a memory, song, or word away.  A friend once posted that grief is like an ocean.  You are in deep waters in the beginning and slowly get to shore.  Once on shore you are always in view of the ocean and once in a while your toes might get wet.  I believe this to be very much how my grief is.

While I am sad that we lost Clara, I am thankful for Lincoln, Preston, and Haleigh.  Without Clara’s passing we might not have known the amount of love we could have shared with more children.  It is Clara’s passing that also made my husband and I re-evaluate our priorities to focus more on our family and subsequently me becoming a stay at home mom.  It is great to be able to share time with Damon and Mason too.  Their stories of Clara help me too.

I am no longer the shy girl I once was.  Throughout my journey I have been given the opportunity to share support with other families who have lost children.  I don’t seek them out, God brings them to me.  Being able to speak to those I don’t know or even a large group of people is something I never thought I could do and yet something I do often.  Creating awareness has become important to me as well as helping others.

I found this picture last night as I was searching for am image to use today.  Although it is not my family it is perfect.  I love the boys are wearing pink which is a reminder of Clara.  I think it is the best representation of where my grief and my families grief is right now.  We are no longer in the ocean but we always see it in the distance.   Just as the ocean is view is beautiful so are the memories we have of Clara.  We are happy and yet miss our daughter and sister and think of her often.

Myths

“She never cries and doesn’t seem sad at all. I don’t think she loved her baby very much.”

In my own grief I quickly found out that not enough public tears can be just as “wrong” and too many.  I am a very private griever.  I prefer to cry in the darkness of my bedroom where no one can judge me. Little did I know that because I didn’t break down very often in public, I was being judged.

I hear so many grieving parents say, “My family just doesn’t understand why I cry so much. They tell me to get over it or when are you going to get better.”  Sadly it is all too common.  But what happens when you smile during your grief?  One might say you are in denial, that you need help so that you can grieve.  Some won’t say a word to you but will say to others, “She never cries and doesn’t seem very sad.  I don’t think she actually loved her baby.”

Yes both happened to me.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  We are individuals with our own life experiences.  My own life experiences had me attend the funerals of 4 high school classmates, 2 grandparents, and my brother.  I had seen firsthand how each mother grieved.  Let me say not one mother grieved like the next yet every one of them loved their child.

I believe that just as we should grieve our loss we should also celebrate their life.  My husband and I celebrated Clara’s life!  We looked for positive things in each day and focused our heart there.  We laughed and we cried for enjoying the day.  We questioned our positive attitude, our ability to feel happiness in such a tragic time in our lives.  We cried and cried and cried.  We faced the world with a smile and we were judged.  Judged for “not loving our baby girl”, “moving on too quickly”, “for choosing to share our love with another child”.  And in the heat of that judgement, we kept our smile and positive attitude because God knows our heart and our intentions.  He knows our hurt and our suffering.  His comfort surpasses all those on earth.

Just because tears aren’t flowing doesn’t mean love wasn’t there.  I loved my baby girl enough to celebrate and mourn her at the same time.  I loved her enough to put my total faith in God that I will see her again.  I loved her so much it broke my heart to leave her lay on the emergency room bed, alone and know I would never hold her on this earth again.  For me no tears can express that kind of hurt and that kind of love.