Tag Archives: Clara

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #5

The Unspoken

After the loss of a child our pain morphs from one of shock of what happened to the ache for what never will. One thing that often still feels taboo is the longing to connect with other kids that would be Clara’s age.

When we first lost Clara the thought of holding another persons baby was the worst thing in the world. I struggled when my nephew was born just 6 weeks after we lost Clara. It was extremely difficult to hold him and to be happy for my sister. I was angry. But as the years have passed I have grown to love that little boy’s company. After all, he is only 6 months younger than Clara would be.

I know that I have caused parents to be uncomfortable when I have watched their seven year olds on the playground. I have been told it is unhealthy or weird to ask about them. Informally saying somehow I should not wonder. Here is the thing… I don’t watch to be a creep or to fantasize about taking that child home with me. I watch because I am curious as to what 7 year olds do with their free time. I chat because I am curious about know what little girls talk about. It helps me to form an idea of what Clara would be like today. It comforts me.

Please don’t feel weird around me. Please don’t feel pity for me. Please smile and know that I mean no harm to your little one. I won’t mention my loss to them and certainly won’t steal them. I just wonder who my little man’s buddy would be like. You see, we watch him as he waits for the day when he gets to meet her, play with her, and hug her.

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYou
#BuddyBench

A Piece of My Heart Smiles

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Seven years ago I held you for the last time. Your body perfect, your eyes closed, your heart no longer beating. I will be forever grateful for the nurse who called to seek permission to remove your breathing tube and the staff that wrapped you snuggly in a warm blanket. It left me with the memory that you were simply napping rather than the limp body that I held.

May 12, 2009 is a day burned into memory. One with many tears and lots of questions. It was a day we got the call, not to receive an organ but to give one. We later learned that your heart valves went to two children. More tears. That day it took courage to get up and go on.

Today it takes courage to say, I don’t always cry when I think of you. I didn’t cry today on the anniversary of your passing. My grief isn’t always expressed with tears anymore.

Grief is so different seven years later. I used to feel ashamed that I don’t cry as often as I once did. Ashamed that while I do think of you, it isn’t every single day. Does it mean I love you less? Am I forgetting you? Never.

Instead of crying, I smile when I see pictures of your smiling face. I smile when I get to talk to others about you. I don’t dread people asking me about the number of kids I have. I don’t worry about upsetting someone by sharing you are gone. I know that others will simply share their sympathy and sometimes, when I am lucky, they will ask more about you. Not about your passing but about you. Things like which sibling looks more like you or if we got to see your smile. Today people even ask to see you in pictures. They want to know know more about this little life that made such an impact on our lives.

I find my heart filled when I meet children who were born in January 2009. I find myself watching them with a smile knowing you probably would be doing those same things. Rather than remind me of what I am missing, I find they give me a glimpse into the eyes of a seven-year-old. Their play, their hugs, they make me smile.

I will forever watch your tree grow in our yard. Watch as the pretty pink flowers bloom each May reminding me of you. I will always feel a little pang of sadness as the flowers change to white and blow away in the wind. A simple reminder of the shortness of your life in our arms.

It takes courage to admit that today, I am okay, happy even. I am so fortunate to have held you. I am thankful that your life has helped others. You were loved and you are still very loved.

We miss you baby girl!

#WhatHealsYou

#CaptureYourGrief – Day #22 {Part 2}

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Dreams & Rituals

We have many things we do in memory of Clara. We don’t really call them rituals but when I looked into the meaning of the word, I think they would fall under that category. I think we shy away from the word “ritual” because for many it has a very religious meaning. Like worshipping something other than God. I wouldn’t say we do that with our honors in memory. We simply make these special events something we look forward to and do each year.

In Memory #1:

Lach Legacy’s annual Run for Their Live’s. We have been fortunate (or unfortunate, if your glass is half empty) to attend it from the very first year. It took a couple of years but we established our family picture to be taken while we are there. It helps to see this picture change each year. You see, when school pictures come home every fall, we get to change five pictures but one stays the same. Getting to see this family picture change takes the place of changing hers. It brings me comfort to be making memories that include her. We will keep doing this as long as it goes on, even if it means a 7 hour drive 🙂

In Memory #2:

No birthday is complete without a birthday cake. The first few years it is hard to celebrate. As I look back I wish I would have realized just what birthdays are all about. I wish I hadn’t been so sad and angry. I missed out on a day to celebrate the life we held. She left us with so many good memories and those deserve to be celebrated. It was Chris’s idea for the Barbie Doll cakes. I love making them and I am thankful to be able to celebrate even when I am sad or disappointed.

Clara’s 5th Birthday cake – Jan 2014

In Memory #3:

May 12th is a hard day for us. In the past I have always visited Elaine. I feel like she is sometimes forgotten in our loss. Her love for Clara was, and still is, evident. I miss having the chance to connect with her, to hug her. I failed on this memory maker this year but hopefully we can connect next year, even if it is only through the FaceTime or Google Chat.

This is a day we often release balloons. The kids like to write messages to send to Heaven. One year a couple balloons got caught in a tree. The boys were very upset. I told the boys that maybe Clara couldn’t read them all at once. By morning they had flown off and the boys were happy. (PS. I know it isn’t environmentally friendly but my boys got a lot of comfort from it so we did it.)

It has been a couple of years since we did this on her angelversary. The older boys have gotten older and it isn’t the same for the little kids. Their losses are so different. It is sometimes challenging to balance the two different losses as well as my husbands and my own.

In Memory #4:

Each Christmas we give gifts to little girls around, what would be, Clara’s age. In the beginning it meant a chance to walk down the girls aisle and add dolls and strollers and barbies to our cart. It was healing for both of us especially when we are shopping for 4 boys and know what we are missing out on.

This year we will search for a 7yo. In a way this will be a golden year. There are seven of us purchasing seven gifts for seven seven year olds. The kids enjoy getting to pick their own gift to give. It is our way of remembering and making memories that include Clara.

Clara’s Memory Wrapping Session 2014

In memory…

We do many more things but these are the ones that are really important to us. They open doors for us to talk about Clara’s life and keep her a part of ours. It is so hard to forget the little girl who gave us so much to remember. Our rituals help us to remember, to celebrate.

#WhatHealsYou

#CaptureYourGrief – Day #17

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Secondary Loss

Who doesn’t want a fairytale?! When we first find out we are pregnant we imagine the journey. It is one of glowing, and growing. We put together a beautiful nursery and a calm, yet perfect, birth plan. We expect a happily ever after.

Things don’t always go as we plan. Some suffer from terrible morning sickness, others from any myriad of conditions that can affect pregnant women. Then there are the losses of our precious babies.

Sometimes your loss happens before it begins. We struggle with getting pregnant or staying pregnant. We endure tests and procedures. Needle pokes and medication regamins and in the end we still walk away with an empty womb and aching arms.

Maybe your loss happens very early on. We go to the doctor anticipating our first peek only to find out our baby is no longer growing. For some a loss happens later along the way. Maybe you have gotten a fatal diagnosis at your 20 week ultrasound. Going home to decide where to go with your pregnancy.

Maybe your baby arrived too early. Even if you baby survives the first few days, navigating the process of a NICU baby is extremely difficult. It has lasting effects on your idea of pregnancy and motherhood. Whether your baby survives or is too small to, mom goes home empty handed (at least for a while).

Maybe your past those “risky” parts. You are well into your 3rd trimester. You are playing with your baby as he kicks through your growing belly. Then one day baby isn’t moving like normal. You visit to the hospital. You listen to the other babies cry while pleading with your baby to. You leave with an empty belly and empty arms.

Maybe you find out at birth that your baby is sick or has a congenital or genetic condition. Your whole world is changed. You don’t get to hold your baby like you thought you would. You spend time talking to doctors and watching you baby get poked and tested. You listen to diagnosis’s and life expectations and futures that might not be. You might go home with empty arms or you might go home with a baby in one arm and equipment, paperwork, appointment lists, and expectations in another. Each illness you worry that this could be the one that can’t be fixed.

Or maybe you brought your baby home. He was healthy and thriving. Then one day they are gone. They go to sleep and don’t wake up. Or maybe there was a missed medical diagnosis or a tragic situation. One day you return to the hospital only to leave alone.

In any of these, our dreams of “Happily Ever After” disappear. Evaporate! No first steps. No first day of school. No graduation. No sports or dance. The loss of our “happily ever after” becomes a secondary loss to the original loss of our babies. It simply becomes our “once upon a time”.

I loved my little world where everything appeared perfect. I loved the world of writing happy memories in a baby book. When Clara died I was unprepared for her loss and even less for the secondary loss. I didn’t realize just how many babies didn’t make it to their first birthday. So many baby books left unfinished.

Today instead of having a baby book full of memories it is has less than 10 pages filled. Many pages have a line or two filled in and dozens more that will never be written. On the shelf with her baby book sits 3 other books completely filled. The thing is they aren’t of the memories I dreamed of writing. They are filled with three years of #CaptureYourGrief projects. They are my “once upon a time” books. Once upon a time I held this baby in my arms.

In a good way the books remind me that there are no happily forever afters but the once upon a times can be beautiful too. The journey, the people along the way, those are the things I want to remember. It reminds me that maybe it isn’t always about the happy ending, maybe it is about the story. A story that brings comfort to others. One that reminds them they aren’t alone. Their fears are real. Their dreams are missing. But their children will never be forgotten.

#CaptureYourGrief – Day #7

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Memory

We were fortunate in our ability to capture so many pictures of some of our memories. There are some that we have no physical images of though. Like the time Daddy was changing Clara’s diaper and she sneezed, farted, and pooped at the same time. The laugh from Daddy was hilarious. Clara managed to shoot poop 3 feet off the changing table and onto the wall. Even after clean up that wall saved the memory. When we found out we were expecting and decided to repaint the baby room, the memory remained. The stain just appeared again after the paint dried. Each time we washed walls we talked about that memory. It is one that Clara’s older brothers remember well too. It was one memory that was hard to leave behind when we moved out the home we shared with her.

Today I took some time to look through the 400+ pictures we have of Clara. Most brought back lovely memories of her beautiful smile, her cute laugh, and her love for her Daddy. She was certainly a Daddy’s girl. I found a couple that reminded me of things I had forgotten. Even in such a short life there are so many memories. I cling to them like the clothespins that hold these pictures. Once in a while one falls but someone picks it up and shares it with me and I can add it back to the line. Today I am grateful to get to hang a few more memories in my heart.

Do you have a memory of Clara you would like to help me hang back up? Comment with ‪#‎IRememberWhen‬ … something about the announcement, pregnancy, life, passing, or something that has been done in her memory. I will add those memories to the book I create at the end of each #CaptureYourGrief project. I will cherish the memories you share <3

#WhatHealsYou
#CaptureYourGrief

#CaptureYourGrief – Day#3

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In Honor

Every day, every week, every month, every year I try to honor Clara’s memory. Sometimes the ways we honor are simple, we share a story or a sweet memory. Other times they are bigger, we choose a child the age Clara would be today and share Christmas gifts with her. We laugh, and cry, and smile in her honor. We share our fears and find hope and we love like no other, in her honor.

Clara was born January 21, 2009. She was my third child and my husband’s first. She was loved from the moment we knew we were expecting. I was 26 weeks pregnant at our wedding and she so lovingly danced between us for our first dance. When word of my brother’s suicide broke and emotions ran wild, she patiently waited and grew a few more weeks.

The day she was born she brought light into our family. Her older brothers adored her. They did everything they could to make her smile and laugh. They were at daycare with her the day she left this earth and by the grace of God didn’t know anything was going on until after she was on her way to the hospital.

Clara was born at the same time as several of our friends little girls. Today we watch Alexis and Paige grow and I often wonder what Clara would be doing now. These girls are so sweet and love to offer hugs. Those hugs mean the world to me. They remind me of how Clara might feel in my arms.

The year Clara was born the song “All American Girl” by Carrie Underwood was popular and that seemed to be our vision of her. We dreamed of her growing up, going to school, getting married, having children of her own. Those dreams shattered on May 12, 2009.

The one thing that remains is our love for her. We have found ways to include her in our family as often as we can. Each year we travel to SD to take our family photo at the Run for Their Live’s SIDS run. Each birthday I make a barbie cake to remember her lovely birth. We do something special for another child each Christmas. We take opportunities to share her story when we can and I do this project each year to honor her.

I will never be the same person I was with her in my life but I think she would be proud of the mama I have become. Her life has taught me so much. In dealing with her passing I have found much strength in helping others. It prepared me for the stresses of her younger brother, Lincoln, who has some major medical needs. I have been forced to face my fears and trust in the Lord with all my heart. I am thankful that I got to share my days with her. Today I am thankful for the memories and the opportunity to honor her.

What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose.
All that we loved deeply becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller

Our 1st family photo.

The big boys and Clara

A few of the babies born with Clara.

Sharing memories of Clara with her three little siblings.

Clara’s Memory Wrapping Session 2014

Leave it to the Imagination

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Watching little kids role play can be an amazing thing. I have found there is a distinct difference in the way boys and girls play. Even without trying to create gender lines my little ones have taken to playing kitchen with stuffed animals, superheroes, transformers, and dolls.

This past month has been interesting, and hard, to watch. A few weeks ago my 2 year old came running down the stairs with her baby in her arms. She was yelling, “My baby isn’t breathing! Help her! Help her!”. She dropped her baby in my lap and looked at me expectantly. I hugged her baby and told her she was just napping. My little lady took her baby upstairs only to come running again just a few minutes later. This time she told me, “She died mommy, she died. Save her! Save her!”. Then she “kissed” her baby (more like mouth to mouth) and left her baby on my lap because she died.

It has been extremely difficult for me. I have not a clue where this comes from. She knows her older sister passed away but we have never really talked about the “event”. It shocked me that her role play could affect me in such a way that it would cause me to have flashbacks. As she continued to play this game, I did my best to try to distract her with tea parties and walks and hugs and kisses. The distractions seemed to work. She seemed to quit role playing her baby dying.

Reprieve is sometimes a funny thing. This past week she found her daddy’s new shoe box. An innocent looking shoe box that started as a bed for her baby. Soon it became something different….a coffin. She brought her baby to me to dress her in her favorite dress. No big deal. Then she found her baby’s favorite blanket. Again, no big deal. Then she wrapped her baby up, gave her baby a kiss, told her bye-bye and I will miss you, and then put the lid on the box. Finally she put it under the pile of blankets and stood there and gave a little pouty lip. She went in search of flowers for baby doll but came back with her baby bottle to leave by the blanket pile. I have seen this and other similar situations happen five times this week.

My older boys smashed that box today. They couldn’t watch it anymore. It is just so odd. We all seem to lack the ability to even explain how she knows this. She has never even been to a funeral. We have never talked to her about the day Clara died. I can only surmise that she has seen enough through movies and tv to put a scenario together. Maybe she has overheard things from siblings or my husband and I. I will never know how she knows but I will remember it as the role play that can send those who have lived it into flashbacks, sadness, and a little anger. (Yeah anger at the box, I think. My 11 year old stomped it to bits!)

Oddly enough my little lady asked about her sister Clara today. She and my 4 year old son wanted to know why Clara had to be buried and if she is in Heaven. It is funny how their little minds and bodies play through real life situation. I can’t say it has been easy to watch but it reminds me that they are grieving in their own way and in their own time. I have to remember that their grief is different because they have never met Clara and that role play might be their best way to make their sister tangible. A real sister who is no longer here, who they will never meet on this earth, a sister who is waiting in Heaven. WP_20150708_11_32_59_Pro

Can You Feel Me When I think About You?

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Today marks six years since I held Clara for the last time. It also marks the first time that Clara’s entire life followed the same days of the week…like her birthday on a Wednesday, her passing being 2 days after Mother’s Day. It is hard to imagine life without her and yet here we are living it. Instead of having six years of memories I have three and a half months. Sometimes the most vivid memories are not the “good” ones. Each year as today approaches my thoughts are filled with memories of May 12, 2009 when I raced to the ER and held my breath for an hour while the doctors and nurses did everything they could to bring life back into her. The afternoon where I held her earthly body for the last time. The evening that I laid my baby’s body on the hospital gurney and walked away, leaving her behind in that empty room. That night as we picked up the big boys from our daycare when we also left with an empty infant car seat and two boys asking where their sister was. It is a day I wish I could forget and yet I don’t want to. Each year I find the anticipation of this day is harder than the actual day itself.

As my family remembers year number six we do it in a place where Clara’s memorials are not close by. A kind man listened to the story behind my blog and told me about a place in Iowa City that I might appreciate. He was so right! Along the river sits a statue of hope. When we first got there I was sure of how I wanted to capture it through the lens of my camera, I knew what my hope was. Instead I viewed something more heartwarming and thoughtful than I could have ever imagined. The little ones were drawn toward holding the statue’s hands. They kept taking and replacing the beads that were in her hands. They took turns holding her hands like they were dancing. I saw hope and love and a sense of calm.

Every May 12th I reflect upon the future and I am filled with hope. Hope that her life was not meaningless. Hope that her loss has brought my husband, my children, and myself closer to God. Hope that there is always a future even if it isn’t here on earth. Hope that I am one day closer to seeing her again.

When I think about Miss Clara, can she feel it? I like to think so, that is my hope.

“The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.”
L.A. Seneca

Mother’s Day 2009

Spring is Here!

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So many of you know that my favorite season is spring. It reminds me so much of the time I got to share with Clara. The renewing season of spring fills the day with reminders of love, happiness, new beginnings, and hope. I find the gentle spring rains to remind me of tears of love that fall when I think of Clara. Unlike the storms of summer where I feel a sense of my grief during the first few months after Clara’s passing, the spring rains are gentle, kind, and bring beauty to the empty land.

Today isn’t the first day of spring but it is the first day I noticed the tree outside our front window is has leaves opening! What a perfect day since yesterday was Easter and a time of hope and renewal. I am looking forward to seeing flower buds and flowers soon. Until then I wanted to capture and share the beautiful image outside my home today. It is my little piece of heaven today.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
{Romans 12:2}

Big Hero 6 and Loss

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I have to admit I love Big Hero 6. I skipped out on it when it was in theaters because I didn’t think my 18m old would sit through it. Then we were supposed to see it at family movie night at church and we totally forgot about it. Actually I am glad I got to see it the first time at home.

Whoever wrote Big Hero 6 really took time to understand loss! I cried at quite a few spots in the movie and actually felt angry at a few spots too. It just touched my heart in a way I didn’t expect.

Funerals…

Obviously the funeral got me. It always does, no matter the movie, tv show, commercial. It is just a hard thing to watch, even when it is fake. As a parent who has lost a child it is hard but to watch Hiro stare at Tadashi’s empty bed hurts. It reminds me of how my kids felt after the loss of their sister. It reminds me of their questions on if we had to take down Clara’s room and if another baby would stay in there.

“Tadashi was in good health and with healthy habits could have lived a long life.”

I think the hardest part is when Baymax shows up later in the movie and asks about Tadashi. He says, “But Tadashi was in good health and with healthy habits could have lived a long life.” SIDS is just that, a healthy child goes down for a nap and doesn’t wake up. Clara should have lived a long life but instead she is in Heaven. It is hard to hear Hiro talk to Baymax about this. I think back to talking to the boys about Clara’s death and also to all those others who have asked about her loss. Sometimes life isn’t what we expect though. Clara’s life was too short for me but just perfect for God. I am okay with that.

“Tadashi is here!”

Skip forward a bit and Hiro is having troubles and he hears Baymax say, “Tadashi is here.” Hiro makes a comment along the lines of no he’s not. Then out of the blue Baymax shows a bunch of lost movies of Tadashi. I cried because I remember finding some movies on our backup site and on our camera that I didn’t know existed. They are such a lovely but heartbreaking surprise. It is so cool to hear the voice of your little one you hold no more. Every time I see those movies I cry just as Hiro did.

It also reminds me of when I finally asked for the images from the funeral and burial of Clara. To see those images again was harder than I expected. I didn’t realize how much of the burial I didn’t remember.

“I will always be with you.”

Then when Baymax is left in the portal and he says, “I will always be with you.” I think I about lost it. I mean it takes me back to the closing of Clara’s casket and moving away from her grave. You have to give up something that means so much to you. You know you will never see them on earth again.

Actually it makes me think of how much stuff we kept of Clara’s too. I had a tough time getting rid of so many things and yet eventually you have to give away baby stuff. Hiro is left with just Baymax’s glove after the problems in the portal. I know I can only keep a few treasured items. Today we have just a few items from Clara. Every time I let go of items that were Clara’s I always hear “I will always be with you.” It brings me to tears just writing about it today.

“Baymax”

Okay… so I know that Clara will never come back. My Baymax is her memory. Things like her rose bushes blooming or her beautiful tree blooming each year or our family picture of the SIDS Run, those are my Baymax. Each year they return just as Baymax “returns” to Hiro. To me those times create memories that include Clara.

No they aren’t the same as creating memories with your child but that is the option God has given me and I will love them! I chose to love them and to enjoy them. Hiro found Tadashi’s chip that was used to create Baymax but Hiro still had to create Baymax again. I find it to be the same with Clara things. God has given me opportunities, I just have to choose to make them good memories.

So to sum it up, Big Hero 6 is my new favorite movie. Actually it is a family favorite! Even my 11 and 10 year olds were open about how they “get a lump in their throat” every time they watch it. They said it has been healing to watch because they too have felt the same as Hiro.

Thank you to the writers… They got it right. They touched hearts. They touch lives. Loss is real, thanks for showing that 🙂

A Little Pink Lemonade

Making the bitter a little more sweet.

Tag Archives: Clara

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #5

The Unspoken

A Piece of My Heart Smiles

#CaptureYourGrief – Day #22 {Part 2}