Tag Archives: Clara

Missing a Special Day

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For eight years we have had a yearly tradition of participating in a yearly walk/run in memory of babies lost too soon to SIDS.  Our “Pink Lemonade” team has been there since the run’s first year.  Our tradition each year was to take our family picture with Clara’s sign.  It was a way for us to see how our family changed each year and a significant way to include Clara in that growth.  I always feared we would someday miss this event. This year we experienced that loss.

Infant loss is filled with so many “firsts” but this one is hard to put words to.  It is the first time we put Clara’s memory behind us in favor of other events.  It is surreal to know that the very last thing we held onto from South Dakota (and Clara’s past) is behind us (at least for this year).  Instead of spending the weekend with family and friends, we spent it at a pool with family and friends.  We missed out on our family picture and our yearly t-shirt swag.  We missed out of the balloon release and the kind words of remembrance.  We missed out on connecting with other SIDS families and we missed out on spending a day to just remember Clara.

And yet, we spent Saturday celebrating Clara’s rainbow.  This weekend we celebrated her brother’s first swim meet. We saw the smile of a little guy who has overcome so much!  The tiniest swimmer there who never hesitated to get on the starting blocks that stand as tall as his shoulders.  He sat with the big swimmers and listened to their advice.  We left with a different t-shirt.  One with Link’s name on it.  We got to cheer on this kid, yet it was different.

It is hard to look back and know you have to choose between your living child and your child in Heaven.  Walking around the pool today, I couldn’t help but notice the little girls trying to their hair under their caps and their goggles set.  It was one of Link’s teammates first meets too.  This little 8-year-old girl grabbed me by the hand and asked me if I could tell her when it was time to go line up.  It gave me a glimpse into what a swim experience might have been like if Clara was here today.  I so wanted to take a little selfie with that girl!! That simple, brief moment meant a lot to me.

As I look back on the weekend, I have to say thank you to everyone who made it special.  Thank you to Kevin and Tracee for walking in Clara’s memory for us!!  Your pictures left me in tears on the pool deck. Thank you to Brianne Edwards for keeping Clara’s sign and memory at the run even when we can’t make it. Thank you to the Iowa City Eels for being such a wonderful family too. Finally, thank you to everyone who thought of Clara this weekend. <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #23

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Sounds, Season, Scents

It is no surprise that my favorite season is spring.  It is the season of rebirth and beauty.  It is the season that Clara saw in her short life.  Spring reminds me of pink and everything we love about her.  Spring isn’t always perfect.  It can be unpredictable but one thing that is always true is that spring means new growth.  It means I will be seeing my favorite flowers and making a trip to South Dakota.  The years that these lovely flowers have been blown off by the wind way too early remind me of the little life we lost too soon.

As the birds begin to chirp it reminds me of the dove in the cemetery the day of the funeral. One of our favorite parts of spring is the return of the ducks to the river.  The kids and I enjoy visiting and feeding them.  We visit the Statue of Hope at City Park in Iowa City.  We walk the area and watch as the river rises.  A reminder that not everything will go according to plan.  We will have unexpected losses but there is always rebuilding afterward.  With rebuilding comes so many new friendships and new doors to open.  Life isn’t the same but we return and continue to grow.

The smell of the warmer air and lovely smell of light rain are always welcome.  Winter is bare and empty.  No sounds but the howling wind. Nothing to look at but bare trees and frozen ground. Spring means the beginning of warmth. It reminds me of the warmth I felt when Clara arrived.  Spring reminds me of her smiles and the love she radiated. The rain softly falls reminding me of the days we stayed in our pj’s all day, cuddling by the window.  Spring just reminds me of all the best things of Clara. It is absolutely my favorite and no other season will ever compare. <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #20

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Gratitude

This topic has been weighing heavily on me. Gratitude is hard sometimes.  Life has twists and turns and sometimes we are left in places where there is no perfect outcome, no happiness in either road.

I started off my grief journey expressing gratitude. That fateful day I was thankful that our doctor came in a said, “I am sorry.  There is nothing else we can do.” followed by nothing else.  Weird, right!?!  We weren’t left with the choice to remove life support. That decision was already made for us.  That guilt card was removed from our hand. I have never had to hear, “you didn’t pray hard enough” or that “you didn’t wait long enough for your miracle”.  I never have to wonder what if.  For that, I am grateful.

Gratitude often comes with an expectation of happiness.  In the first weeks and months of grief, gratitude doesn’t equate happiness.  It is merely finding something to hang your hat of hope on.  I found it to be little things like a hug, a smile, remembering a good memory.  I spent the first days and weeks taking time each day to find something to be thankful for. It was my way of coping and fighting the sadness.

As I have grown, I have found gratitude in many other things. Today gratitude is usually rolled with happiness but not always.  We continue to do “thankful for” with the kids each night.  We don’t try to see the good in each bad thing but rather a good thing in our day.  Some situations have no silver lining.  You can’t make one. What I can do is find a silver lining in my day. Sometimes I make it that hug the nurse gave me or the smile a stranger had. Other times I see it the connection I made with someone new or the soft bed I head home to.  Gratitude isn’t alway easy and it isn’t always about happiness. Some days it helps me focus on something good when all I can see is the terrible, awful situation in front of me.

Today’s image is one of my youngest daughter Haleigh.  She is wearing a very special dress.  It is special because it was a gift from a friend who had no idea what she was giving me.  This dress is the exact dress Clara wore when we laid her to rest.  The only difference is the size.  Haleigh has found this dress to be one of her favs.  It is too small for her and yet she likes to play dress up with it.  This is a picture from the day Haleigh surprised me by wearing it.  Judging by the smile, you can tell she has not a clue how hard it was for me.  She was PROUD to wear it!  There is no silver lining here.  It was sad and a punch in the gut to see her wearing it.  The gratitude I found… that I found the courage to hug this lovely lady while she was wearing it.

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Haleigh – Summer 2016

Easter 2009

Clara – Easter 2009

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #14

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Beliefs & Spirituality

One cannot experience a life changing event without some shaking of your belief system.  Sometimes the rattle is large, sometimes small.  I have found that no matter the change, one must find their own way back to their belief system, whatever it may be.

One can shout from the rooftops their beliefs but it is in their actions that it is revealed.  Today I have opted to share only that I struggled with my beliefs in religion.  I am a believer of God but not the “religion” aspect.  I think the biggest reason for that is the pastor of the very conservative church we attended at Clara’s passing.  “You are so fortunate.  Had you not baptized Clara we would have been begging for her entry into Heaven rather than celebrating her life.”  I imagine how differently her funeral would have been if that were the case. No life deserves to be mourned in that way.  It was in those words and the pastor’s actions over the next year that were what caused me to walk away from religion.

Don’t get me wrong, we still attend church just not one that has a ton of “requirements” or “rituals”.  We attend one that allows us to believe that the todays image is how Clara met Heaven.  It is one that doesn’t require me to use my words convince a griever that they must follow a certain belief.  Rather one that reminds me it is just as powerful to allow my actions to share my testimony. Love everyone, treat them with respect, smile, and share your heart.  You never know when that will be the step that leads someone out of the darkness.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #13

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Dear World

Clara passed away due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  SIDS knows no boundaries.  It affects all socioeconomic groups.  It affects all ethnicities and religions.  It is unknown what causes it. Clara had some risk factors including blankets in her sleep area and on her tummy.  If it hadn’t happened May 12th, 2009, it could have happened another day.  It could have happened in our care. Clara was super sleepy that morning.  She slept until just before I went to work at 10am.  Had it been my day off I would have found her.

 

Dear World – It wasn’t my daycare’s fault.

I do not place fault on my daycare.  This is probably one of the hardest things for other’s to understand.  I have heard so many say, “I would have sued.”, “I would never go back.”, “Do you ever wonder…”.  To which I reply … SIDS knows no bounds.  In my mind the answer was and still is to find the remedy rather than place blame. My inner peace comes from offering compassion instead of blame.

Our daycare lady was like another grandma to our children.  Clara’s death affected her too.  She needed compassion and love.  She needed to know that this wasn’t her fault.  She changed the way future babies slept to help reduce their risk.  She told new parents about Clara’s passing. She cried when we asked if we could continued to take our children to her.  She even got to hold two more of our babies before I had to start staying home. We worked on a remedy that would bring our families closer together. I am thankful for that because it meant I could ask her questions about that fateful day and she was open and honest in answering them.

Today I had a different idea and had planned to blog about getting stuck in the darkness.  As I tried to capture the tunnel I found an ugly (but necessary) emergency call poll in they way.  Instead of complaining I took a few steps back and worked out a remedy.  It made for an amazing picture and inspired a different subject to write about. It is a great reminder that in grief and in every day life, we need to remember that things turn out best for people who make the best our the way things turn out. We can’t control life but we can control the way we handle it.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #12

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Lemons + Lemonade

Lemons & lemonade was something that my husband talked about during Clara’s wake.  Since then we have always called things our Pink Lemonade.  My blog name, our team name for the run, even the logo for my business ties back to it.

For me the biggest lemonade is finding my gift for cake decorating.  You see our “rainbow baby” was born before we honored Clara’s first anniversary of her passing.  On the day that our “rainbow” was officially older than his sister, he was diagnosed with a lifelong medical condition.  It would require a major surgery before he turned one. What a basket of lemons!

After spending 21 days in Iowa City getting amazing care, we went home and celebrated his first birthday.  It was then that we realized how special birthdays really were.  Not every kid gets to celebrate them and there are so many more that fight like mad to see their next one.  We often assume that our kids will see tomorrow.  As parents we should be treating each day and especially each birthdays like it is their last one.  Life can change in an instant.

Everyday I am making a little lemonade in memory of my little girl.  My heart always has birthdays and especially first birthdays close to it.  I LOVE making them!  They show me that so many little ones that have made it through another year.  They give me a chance to create what I didn’t get to with Clara.  With every birthday cake I deliver, I make a wish for another year for the recipient and family.  With every baby shower and gender reveal cake, I make a wish for a healthy, loved baby who gets to see their first baby.  With every wedding cake, I wish for ease of fertility and healthy babies (if desired because there are couples that are happy baby free).

I am so thankful to have had the chance to find my caking talent.  Being able to use it in a way to honor Clara makes it even sweeter.  When Happy Cake Baker makes your cake you are getting so much more than a delicious cake and beautiful decorations.  You are getting a piece of my heart and a wish for another year.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #11

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Creative Heartwork

Over the past seven years we have been given many gifts in remembrance of Clara.  Angels, jewelry, flowers, tokens at the cemetery.  This year when we were back in South Dakota we were surprised with the beautiful heartwork.  This blanket is absolutely everything Clara from the pink butterflies to the green stripes.  It reminds me of her flower play mat with the crinkly butterfly.  It reminds me of the lovely white dress she work for Easter, our family pictures, and as her last outfit.

We will forever treasure the blanket/quilt.  You know what makes it even more awesome?! It was on display in a South Dakota fabric store for several weeks. Even though it is years later, someone still took the time to share Clara’s memory with the world and then give this gift to us to treasure.  <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #9

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Surrender & Embrace

Surrendering and embracing loss is a lifelong journey.  It isn’t something that you just do and move on.  Step by step we let go of things and slowly embrace their consequences.  Sometimes those consequences are good and other times bad. We have to hope those around us can give us time to search our heart for the courage to move forward in a healthy way.

Every day I drive back past this farm on my way to our elementary school.  It makes me sad to see all the houses being built so close.  The scene reminds me of the loneliness we feel in our journey.  We see the world, whole and alive, growing and moving ahead.  We can declare that is isn’t fair and hate the world.  We can hold onto the unjustness and finality of our loss. Just as the farmer can fight to keep the farm he once had, we can remain in the field alone staring at horizon with jealously and anger at the life we once had.

To surrender is not easy.  We have to admit and accept that our lives will never be the same.  We have to acknowledge that the world must move forward and that we have to too.  For me it wasn’t until I accepted that life isn’t always fair that I could fully embrace happiness again.  I finally embraced that I can’t change things.  I definitely recommend taking time to let go of some of the hurtful things people said or did.  These helped me embrace the world again. When I did, found I wasn’t alone.  There are a lot more people who quietly share my pain.

I have stumbled along the way too.  Milestones Clara won’t reach can get to me.  Once in a  while jealousy and anger creep in.  Each day is a challenge to surrender the pain of grief and embrace what is left in my world.  You see surrendering doesn’t happen in a single day.  It is something you have to choose to do every single day of your life until the day you take your last breath.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #8

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Beautiful Mysteries

Todays blog prompt is about imagining who Clara would be today.  For me this is difficult. I love meeting kids her age and getting a picture of what kids her age do but I feel like having to image who she actually would be inevitably means one of more of her younger siblings would not be in the picture.  It is hard to feel that rift in the before and after of her life.

Chris and I talked this morning about how life would be so different if she were still here.  She was Daddy’s princess so I imagine she would be active in gymnastics or dance.  She loved music and listening to her Daddy sing.  I imagine days filled with Frozen and Beauty and the Beast.  I imagine a girl who loves having her hair in pretties and dressing up in dresses.  I imagine a lot of dolls and shopkins. I imagine that this mirror would be getting lots more use than it does with her little sister. I imagine she has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger 😉

It is hard to imagine life with just Damon and Mason and Clara.  I feel like we would still be in South Dakota and I wonder if the boys would still be swimming.  I wonder if I would still be working full time and if I would have found my cake talent.  I wonder if Preston and Haleigh would be here.  I am almost positive Lincoln would not.  While I am sad that Clara isn’t here it makes me sad to look at life without the 3 little loves that her passing brought into our lives.  Tonight, as I write, I am thankful for the chance to ask Chris his ideas of what Clara would be like.  Our talk reminded me just how much of a princess he was to her.  It made thinking of our dancing, twirling seven year old a little easier.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #6

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Empathy

Lately I have seen several ideas of how to explain bullying to kids.  Squeeze all the toothpaste out of the tube and try to put it back in or crumble a paper and try to make it flat again.  I think they are great ways to explain grief too.  Grief is a bully that often sneaks up on you.  It pushes you to your breaking point.  It can make you question life.  It shows can be hard to shake.  It crumples up your heart, stomps on it, and all the while people are tell you to just let it go.

I think being able to understand is always a work in progress. It isn’t always easy and nobody, not even those who have experienced loss, is perfect at it.  We all look back and wonder… “oh crap, I totally just said that didn’t I!?!” I have said things to mothers that I regret the minute it leaves my mouth.  As grievers we have to remember that those around us are going to make mistakes.  No matter how hard it is when someone comments to me, “oh look you finally got a girl!!” I have to step back and empathetic to the fact that cashier really doesn’t understand.  Empathy and understanding goes both ways.  After loss I think we can easily forget how innocent we once were in parenting.  It is hard to remember the days when I didn’t think twice about my kids outliving me.

When it comes to infant loss I feel like, “I am sorry.” is the easiest thing to say because really most people are truly sorry.  I always appreciate a hug or a mention of my little girl. Just stay away from phrases like, “god needed another angel.” or “god saved them from {insert bad thing}.”.  Honestly I am far enough into my journey that I am even okay with people asking “how did it happen?”.  I know that the loss of Clara has shaped my heart.  Some find it easier to hide their wrinkles but for me it is easier to embrace them.  They are a reminder that Clara was here and loved.

Today remember that some of the wrinkles of my heart are the reminder of who I miss.  Please don’t try to iron them. Embrace them with me. Stand with me as I face the bully named Grief. In return I promise to do my best to remember that you might not understand and not be a bully that adds a wrinkle to your heart.

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