Tag Archives: CarlyMarie Project 2014

The CarlyMarie Project – Day 31

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                                         Sunset

 

Sunset

 This month of reflection has reminded me time and time again of the hymn we sang at Clara’s funeral.   This song meant so much to me at her funeral and still does today.  The seasons of life come and go.  There are some seasons we wish we could hold onto longer and some seasons we wish to skip.  Other seasons happen in a different order than we could have ever imagined.   Just as the sun rises and sets, we too move through every season under the Heavens.  Our path is never the same as our neighbors.  Every season changes us, shapes us, into who we are today.

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

(NIV)

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 30

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                                   Intention

Day 30 Intention

Each chapter is something new. My intention is to continue to share my testimony however God wants.  It doesn’t matter if it is through mentoring, sharing myself, making cakes, volunteering, the CarlyMarie Project, raising my kids, or something else.  Whatever the plans are for me, I will be here waiting for God’s lead.

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Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. ~ 1 Corinthians 15:58 (NIV)

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Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. ~ Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

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And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. ~ Colossians 3:17 (ESV)

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 27

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                                       Wisdom

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Day 27

 Today is a day to blog about anything.  “Express” something that is on your heart.  I had a tough time finding something to really write about until I logged onto Facebook.  After reading several posts from both friends and strangers, one things sticks out in my mind.  Grief changed the way I raise my kids.  Gone are the days of overtime, sports of every kind, buying them the world.  It makes my heart ache to hear and read about parents who are missing out on their kids lives because they want to give them the world.  It makes me sad that families would rather miss weeks and years of their kids lives and assume that the fancy vacation or completely paying off for college will somehow make up for that lost time.  “They will understand the sacrifice when they are set for life.”

I have been that parent.  I think we all have at some point.  Clara’s passing changed my life and Lincoln’s health issues remind me that no ones time on earth is certain.  Children and adults die every day.  Each day that you miss spending time with them is one day closer to them leaving.  It is one less day you have with them.   I missed so many days with Clara that I will never get back.  Kids don’t need the world, they need their parents.  They need BOTH parents to hug them and love them.  They need BOTH parents to teach them and prepare them for the world.  They need BOTH parents to accept them.  As parents we need to be able to balance the worldly views with biblical views.  We need to show our kids that it is okay to work hard and yet say no to extra hours at work, sports, extra activities.  We need to show our kids our love as a couple.  We need to take more time than so many of us do to make memories because if your child dies before you, the memories are what get you through your loss. And if you are fortunate enough to never know the loss of a child remember that the memories you make with your kids are what they will have left.   Don’t let those memories be regrets or wishes that more time was spent together.

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 26

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                                  Healing Ritual

Healing Ritual - Balloon Release

One of my family’s favorite healing ritual is to release balloons.  We usually release them 3 times a year to remember Clara’s on her birthday, the day she entered Heaven, and the day we honor her life.  The balloon release was our way to help our boys heal some of the wounds on Clara’s first birthday.  We wrote messages and sent them off to Heaven.  It became healing for me too.  Seeing such excitement as the kids wrote their messages, hearts, and smiley faces brings me to tears and yet a smile.  For them to feel the connection with their sister means a lot to them.  It means the world to me.  A little bit of each of us rises with those balloons and greets our little ones waiting in Heaven.  A little gift from earth that brings comfort on some of the toughest days we live.

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 25

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                                       Mother Earth

 

Day 25 Mother Earth  After a loss the outdoors took on a bit different roll.  The first year each season was a reminder that life was moving forward.  They were a silent reminder of the hopes of dreams I wanted to share with Clara but couldn’t.  The summer swimming, the Halloween princess, the holiday celebrations, the spring flowers…the times we didn’t get.   Today the seasons also remind me of things yet to come.  For me spring holds such a good spot in my heart.  As I watch the trees come to life I am reminded of the good that comes each season.  The flowers show the beauty and health.  Finally the fruit is like seeing everything come together.

As the seasons change the fruit is harvested and the tree begins to lose it’s leaves.  The tree begins another cycle.  Eventually the tree must come down and through the trunk there is a reminder of the years of growth, and drought, and storms, and health.  The rings of a tree are a perfect reminder of my own years of changes.  Some of me has growth and some despair.  But no season is the same as the last.  I am forever changed and distinctly marked by each season of my life.  God has touched my life, stood me up, shaped me.  He has made me similar and yet unique from every other tree along the path of grief.

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 24

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness is never ending for me.  Sometimes a struggle, sometimes easy.   I found long ago that I can’t forgive others without first forgiving myself.  After Clara’s passing I found myself hanging onto a lot of things.  Things like guilt, anger, and frustration turned to resentment and bitterness.  Every time I spoke up about something that hurt me it was always turned back at me.  It seemed like it was always somehow my fault.  All I wanted to hear was “I am sorry what I said/did hurt you.  I didn’t mean for it to.”  Today I know I will never hear that.  I have learned to forgive without an apology.  For me the hardest ones to forgive are myself and the ones closest to me.  My journey has shown me I don’t need someone to acknowledge a hurt to forgive them for it.  My best strategy for forgiveness is write it down, crumple it up, toss it in the trash, say a prayer, and let it go.

Forgiveness#WhatHealsYourHeart
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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 23

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                                     Inspiration

 

Inspiration

The world of child loss can be a world full of suffering.  Suffering from guilt, fear, anxiety, shame, judgement, harsh words, and empty arms.  From the moment a parent hits their knees and begs God to save their child’s life to the day of their last breath, the pain is with them.  They all walk close to it but they are also the brave people overcoming it.  Each day they work toward overcoming their fears, shame, anxieties through their journey.  It is that group of women that inspire me.  They are a group that get up each day and keep their children’s memory alive.  Some share their hearts and feelings and lives.  Some educate.  And perhaps most importantly they inspire a world that needs to know
“you are not alone”.

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 22

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                                        Self Care

 

Self Care*

*

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is blissful.
It means you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind
amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.”

Jill Bolte Taylor

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This quote says it so well.  My life is often so busy that I don’t spend nearly enough time on self care.  At this point in my life I can’t even shower without a little one sneaking in or coming in crying because their toy was taken by a sibling. I try to fit time in here and there but I realize I need to make a little time for it too.  I think that is a big reason why this project is so important.  October is my biggest self care wrapped up in 31 days.  Each day means planning and searching, typing and erasing, happy and sad tears.  It means 31 days of 1-3 hours worth of self care mixed with a toddler, 2 preschoolers, 2 elementary kids, a husband, and all the household things a stay-at-home mom does.  To be honest it takes a big cup of courage each morning but it is my favorite time of year because I have a found an important reason to make time for my grief.  It is a reason that doesn’t make me feel selfish about because I can squeeze it in here and there and I can still be there for my family.  The CarlyMarie Project isn’t for everyone but for me it is the best self care time I don’t have to ask for. 🙂

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 21

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                                 Relationship

 

relationship  Relationships are ever changing but the loss of a child can move changes along much sooner and faster than we could ever anticipate.  Suddenly we are thrust into an emotional roller coaster that loops for one spouse when it is flat for the other.  It becomes a crazy dance that each must work hard to understand.  Each of us grieves so differently and at our own pace.  It can create so much confusion and guilt.

We want to help our partners and yet we want them to help us.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t help my husband and he felt guilty he couldn’t help me.  We were just two totally different grievers.  We struggled apart and yet we struggled together.  We started talking about the common things we were struggling with and with that forged a way to help without guilt.  We had to work hard to continue to stay connected, to feel loved, and to work through issues.

There are other parts of a relationship that can be affected by loss too. Perhaps one of the most taboo topics is sex after such a loss of a child. It isn’t uncommon to find couples expecting again quickly after their loss.  We found ourselves in that boat.  The guilt we shared as a couple was overwhelming.  The public was quick to judge and place guilt.  “Replacing your baby isn’t going to help.”  “They didn’t love their baby much if they can turn around and create another one so quickly.”  Others acted disgusted that in a time of loss that act was even on a couple’s mind.  I often felt guilty that we even found sex was right at a time of such sadness.  It isn’t like after you give birth where they say wait 6 weeks.  After a loss there really isn’t any timeframe. Some couples wait while others don’t. Some doctors tell couples to wait, others say whenever you are ready.  After talking together we found that even though other’s words left us to feel guilty, we shouldn’t feel that way.  We weren’t replacing anyone, we were simply loving each other in a way that was comforting to both of us.

As with most relationships our’s continues to grow and change. It’s change is not nearly as quick and forceful as it did the year we lost Clara.  We still work through guilt as it creeps in.  We still have time set aside to talk.  We take trips to the cemetery together once in a while. We still share dreams and goals.  We continue to grow our relationship and faith together because we know strength and weakness, love and guilt, happy and sad, hope and fear and we aren’t afraid to keep tackling them together.

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 20

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                                        Breathe

Trust in the Lord

For bereaved parents this can be a tough thing to do.  We fear so much that we forget to take a step back and breathe.  For a time many of us lose trust.   We worry about our children here on earth, we worry about our partners, we worry about just about everything.  We become a tight ball of fear, anxiety, and distrust.  When we are able to stop, breathe, and place our trust back with God that little ball of fear starts to unravel and the calm starts to take over.  When you are faced with fear or anxieties remember to take a deep breath, look up, and let it go.  Let God take over and calm you, lead you, and comfort you. Instead of you trying to carry the world, let Him carry you!

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