Category Archives: clara

#CaptureYourGrief – Day #29

What Heals You

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So I must give credit for the basis of this quote to Walter White.  While I loved his quote, it’s language maybe wasn’t quite #CaptureYourGrief-esq.  I changed it a bit to fit me and the topic today.

Letting go of fear has been helpful in my healing.  After we lost Clara we spent a lot of time scared.  Each activity, pregnancy, birth, day brought out some of the worst fears.  I remember the first time Damon and Mason rode with someone else.  I wondered what I would do if they died too.  I just wanted to control every situation.

It didn’t take long to realize that wasn’t possible.  I couldn’t let those fears rule my life.  If I did I would rob my boys of the life experiences they deserved.  We were missing out on activities and memories that could be made because we didn’t want to risk anything.  Some “risks” are worth taking!

In the image I captured this summer, I saw my hesitant daughter fall.  Did she get cry? A little.  Did she get back up?  Yes!  She tried and tried until her fear was small enough that her confidence returned.  I chose not to step in and stop her from falling.  Instead we encouraged her to keep trying and to not be scared.  Eventually she did get it and she had so much fun.  If she had given into that fear she would have missed out on an afternoon or memories!!

Grief is much the same way.  We fear how birthdays and holidays will be.  If you ask most parents the anticipation is far worse than the actual day.  Grief is never easy.  We struggle to hold on yet we struggle to let go.

We fear the passing of current or future children.  What if they make a bad choice that hurts them? We worry about everything.  The thing is we can’t do that all the time. Yes, it is natural to worry a bit but not about EVERYTHING.  It will consume you!  It robs you of making memories or allowing them to make their childhood memories.

Throughout my journey I am constantly working on releasing fear.  There are days when I fall and have to get up, brush off, and start again.  The best days are the ones where I leave worry and fear in the shower drain and let the memories be made.

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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #26

Gratitude

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Gratitude is more than being being thankful for the people who have helped me along the way. It is also about being thankful for the situations and small things that have been found in the storm clouds.  The most helpful thing for me during my times of suffering has been finding something good in the day, focusing on that, and being thankful for it.

After we lost Clara those good things were small.  A hug, not throwing up, kind words were things I started with.  They redirected my attention when by body reminded me that it was time to feed the baby that was no longer in my arms.  It was through finding things to be thankful for that I found a way to be thankful for those “feed your baby” reminders.  It gave me an opportunity to share Clara’s milk with others babies who were in need. We sent 356 oz of her milk to the Rocky Mountain Mother’s Milk bank in Denver.  (When Lincoln’s allergies were diagnosed I experienced a similar circumstance and we knew right away we would donate.  With him we drove 2,222oz to the University of Iowa Mother’s Milk Bank.)  There was great comfort and thankfulness found in helping others instead of dumping it all down the drain.

When I went back to work finding things to be thankful for became extremely important.  People made off-the-cuff remarks or condolences that weren’t exactly comforting.  I needed something, other than these, to hold.  Each night I would sit down and find my good things to set my heart on.  I tried to focus on how thankful I was that each person thought enough to stop by and remember Clara and less on their comments.   It was through this process that I was able to let a lot of things roll off my shoulders.

This kind of being “thankful for” is one I offer to many along the loss journey.  For those who dedicate time each day for their heart, there is comfort.  It won’t fix everything but it will help set your heart on a path to let go of the bad and cling to the good.

My husband and I have turned this concept into a bedtime routine for our children too.  Each evening we sit and pray thanks for the things we are “thankful for”.  Sometimes the kids are thankful for things, other nights it is deeper.  It depends on their age and the type of day they’ve had.

We have learned a lot about our kids through the prayer time.  We see what makes them happy or sad.  We hear their pain when they ask if they can pray for someone else.  The best thing is they go to bed and wake happier.  We get to see little pieces of their big hearts.

My experience with setting my heart on the good has helped me in other situations in my life as well.  As we deal with Lincoln’s health, it helps to focus on the good things.  When we heard the news that Lincoln wasn’t ever going to be able to use the bathroom like a normal boy, it was devastating.  When we started doing clean intermittent catheterizations life was in turmoil.  By the end of the first week, we noticed a huge change in our little boy.  He was calmer and better behaved.  For the first time in his life his bladder was empty after he relieving himself.  It was in that good that we found comfort in the sadness. He was actually happier!  That is what we chose to focus on.

Today I don’t need to set aside as much time for this but I still use it to help me through so many situations of life.  I am grateful for the changes and comfort my family has gotten by actively being “thankful for” things in our lives.  Sometimes our gratitude is small, sometimes big.  Either way filling your heart with good things leaves little room for the bad to get in there and fester.

“Fill your heart with what’s important…
and be done with all the rest.”
Unknown

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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #25

Earth Remembrance

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Earth remembrance is geared toward planting a tree or plant in memory of the baby lost. It helps as we watch it grow in a time when we are no longer watching our children grow. I think it is a great way to heal.
 
When we lived in South Dakota, we had many flowers and a tree planted in memory of Clara, our miscarriage, and my brother. A lot of thought when into selecting just the perfect one. We had “Baby Love”, “Superhero”, and “American Beauty”. Of course, we also had her tree. It was sad when a rose bush died and had to be replanted but every time they bloomed it made me smile.
 
This year planting a tree or flower really isn’t in the cards. I thought about planting something indoors but we just don’t have the space. I guess I had a lot of excuses for why I “couldn’t do it”. The more I thought about planting seeds to more I realized that sowing seeds and seeing them grow isn’t just an physical thing. Instead of planting something to bring me comfort, I hope to plant a seed of hope for someone else.
 
Every deed is a seed. I really like the idea of planting seeds of hope. The hardest part of planting those seeds is you don’t necessarily know where you are planting them or how they are growing. Unlike the tree we plant outside, these seeds grow in so many different ways. Often we think we are witnessing those seeds grow but so many more times, we do not.
 
I think this project is a seed of hope for many whether they are participating or simply following others through it. We aren’t all equipped to share our lives and hurts. Even if we can’t share it can be comforting and healing to read other’s stories. For me sharing helps water the seed inside me. I know from some of you that it waters others’ as well. Those reminders make this project worth every bit of extra time it takes each day.
 
We will never know how many seeds of hope have grown without our eyes seeing. I am hopeful that those participating and following the #CaptureYourGrief project find a place in their hearts for that seed. I hope they find water to grow it, and in their time, are able to share it with others. That is the seed I hope to plant today, throughout this project, and the rest of the days of my life.
 
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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #22 {Part 2}

Dreams & Rituals

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We have many things we do in memory of Clara.  We don’t really call them rituals but when I looked into the meaning of the word, I think they would fall under that category.  I think we shy away from the word “ritual” because for many it has a very religious meaning.  Like worshipping something other than God.  I wouldn’t say we do that with our honors in memory.  We simply make these special events something we look forward to and do each year.

In Memory #1:

Lach Legacy’s annual Run for Their Live’s.  We have been fortunate (or unfortunate, if your glass is half empty) to attend it from the very first year.  It took a couple of years but we established our family picture to be taken while we are there.  It helps to see this picture change each year.  You see, when school pictures come home every fall, we get to change five pictures but one stays the same.  Getting to see this family picture change takes the place of changing hers.  It brings me comfort to be making memories that include her.  We will keep doing this as long as it goes on, even if it means a 7 hour drive 🙂

In Memory #2:

No birthday is complete without a birthday cake.  The first few years it is hard to celebrate.  As I look back I wish I would have realized just what birthdays are all about.  I wish I hadn’t been so sad and angry.  I missed out on a day to celebrate the life we held.  She left us with so many good memories and those deserve to be celebrated.  It was Chris’s idea for the Barbie Doll cakes.  I love making them and I am thankful to be able to celebrate even when I am sad or disappointed.

Clara's 5th Birthday cake - Jan 2014

Clara’s 5th Birthday cake – Jan 2014

In Memory #3:

May 12th is a hard day for us.  In the past I have always visited Elaine.  I feel like she is sometimes forgotten in our loss.  Her love for Clara was, and still is, evident.  I miss having the chance to connect with her, to hug her.  I failed on this memory maker this year but hopefully we can connect next year, even if it is only through the FaceTime or Google Chat.

This is a day we often release balloons.  The kids like to write messages to send to Heaven.  One year a couple balloons got caught in a tree.  The boys were very upset.   I told the boys that maybe Clara couldn’t read them all at once.  By morning they had flown off and the boys were happy.  (PS.  I know it isn’t environmentally friendly but my boys got a lot of comfort from it so we did it.)

It has been a couple of years since we did this on her angelversary. The older boys have gotten older and it isn’t the same for the little kids.  Their losses are so different.  It is sometimes challenging to balance the two different losses as well as my husbands and my own.

In Memory #4:

Each Christmas we give gifts to little girls around, what would be, Clara’s age.  In the beginning it meant a chance to walk down the girls aisle and add dolls and strollers and barbies to our cart.  It was healing for both of us especially when we are shopping for 4 boys and know what we are missing out on.

This year we will search for a 7yo.  In a way this will be a golden year.  There are seven of us purchasing seven gifts for seven seven year olds.  The kids enjoy getting to pick their own gift to give.  It is our way of remembering and making memories that include Clara.

Clara's Memory Wrapping Session 2014

Clara’s Memory Wrapping Session 2014

In memory…

We do many more things but these are the ones that are really important to us.  They open doors for us to talk about Clara’s life and keep her a part of ours.  It is so hard to forget the little girl who gave us so much to remember.  Our rituals help us to remember, to celebrate.

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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #22

Dreams & Rituals

Part 1

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Today’s topic is seriously very broad. Day #22 is about both dreams and rituals. I have opted to make two posts because they are two very different topics for me.
 
Dreams are something that I often read about from others. People post about their children visiting them in dreams. Even my own family has these encounters. I however have not had them and I am okay with that. I am not sure how I would feel about a “visit”. I am content to hold my baby in my heart and not have to long for sleep to feel her. Even so, I have dreamt of other things.
 
Before we lost Clara I did dream about standing in Bittner Funeral Chapel in front of 2 different sized caskets. Both baby caskets. I dreamt about burying a child. I dreamt that dream almost a dozen times. Each time waking up and quickly checking on a sleeping baby.
 
Although none of it was the same, I attributed that dream to the very recent loss of my brother. I just thought my mind was so tired from new baby, sleepless nights, and working again. I figured my mind just melded the whole bit together into one messed up dream. I had no idea that in May, I would actually be standing in the front of that very same funeral home, in front of two slightly different size caskets, and choosing one for my baby.
 
I feel like dreams don’t just apply to sleep. Dreams can mean the future we envisioned. I have touched on this a lot during this #CaptureYourGrief project. The dreams of what the future “could have been like”. These are the dreams I see with my eyes wide open. I experience many of these types of dreams. They are my pink lemonade. My bittersweet.
 
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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #20

Forgiveness & Humanity

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Forgiveness is never easy!  I would be lying if I said it was. In my own experiences I have found that there is so much baggage that comes from others saying or doing things that are hurtful.  Even harder are the hurts that nobody wants to appologize for.  They can’t even acknowledge that what they did was hurtful.

“Get over it.”
“I am don’t need to apologize, I did nothing wrong.”
“It is your problem, not mine.”
“Not my problem you took it the wrong way.”
“I can’t change the past.”
*silence*

If you have ever been on the receiving end of one of these it means you probably tried to talk to the person who made you feel hurt.  You probably were trying to either get them to see how it made you feel or maybe even apologize for your own reaction to their hurtfulness.  Either way you most likely walked away more broken than when you arrived.

One of the toughest things to do is to forgive when that person isn’t willing or able to say sorry.  Beth Moore wrote in her bible study The Patriarchs that there are four reasons people can’t acknowledge or apologize.

They are oblivious.  They simply don’t see how they could have hurt you.  They themselves don’t think they would have been hurt by those words or actions.

They are unwilling.  They choose not to acknowledge the hurtfulness of their actions.  To acknowledge would mean they would have to look inside themselves and see something they didn’t like. They might have their own forgiveness issues. They may refuse because it keeps them in the power seat.  They see that it affects you.

They are unable.  Maybe they have their own mental health issues or they simply cannot distinguish right and wrong.  They just might not be able to do it.  Maybe they haven’t even been given a chance to acknowledge their hurt. Maybe they have their own things to work through first.

God’s unwilling.  Maybe their forgiveness will make you feel approval from man rather than through the source of God.  Maybe that person is toxic to you.

In any of these situations you are not going to get the apology you seek.  That doesn’t mean you can’t forgive them.  In forgiving them you leave the baggage behind.  No more being angry that someone leaves you feeling hurt, confused, lost, or angry.  No more feeling inadequate or worthless.  You take control away from those you are “unwilling to forgive”.  Simply you remove the ability for that person or those hurts to weigh you down.

It isn’t easy.  Forgiveness means not using those hurts against the other person.  It means not letting them get to you anymore.  Sometimes forgiveness comes with the need to break away from the person hurting you.  You can take a break and forgive at the same time.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise especially those in the “unwilling” group.

The second hardest person to forgive is yourself.  We go through the “what if’s” and “if only’s”.  We wonder if we did everything to protect our child(ren).  Did we check on our daycare well enough, did we eat healthy, with we do something wrong? Am I worthless or unfit? These questions will eat you alive.  You have to stop beating yourself up over these things.  You need to forgive yourself for whatever you are carrying around.

You know what?  Some people will exploit those feelings.  They are quick to see that you can’t even forgive yourself.  In that you allow them power over you.  You allow the hurts power over you too.  You allow yourself to carry baggage that you might have already cleared with God.  Don’t keep letting it drag you down.

Throughout my life I have found that forgiveness is easy when others acknowledge that they hurt you.  I have learned that forgiving others who can’t apologize is hard and forgiving myself is the hardest.  From confusion to abuse to emotional control to the loss of a child, I have felt the burdens of others actions.  I have spent many nights crying out because I let myself carry the baggage and allow others to have control.

I have been working in recent months through forgiving myself for the ways I have kept holding onto things I already gave to God.  It has been one of the hardest things to do in my life.  I am still a work in progress but I will tell you that with each thing I let go of, for each hurt I deal with, my baggage and worthless feelings shrink. The ropes that have held me to others for so long are getting cut.  As I feel more free, I find it even easier to forgive others.  And forgiving others more freely means I find that pokes sometimes hurt a little less.

It is a tough road but it is one that will bring closure and healing to your broken heart.  Seek help if you need, work on it alone if you can, and reach out to find the freedom that is within your grasp.

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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #19

Music

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Since the first day I saw the list of topics for this year’s #CaptureYourGrief project I have been thinking about today’s topic.  In the past I have shared links to music that have touched me or mean something to me.  I have to wonder what they mean to others because like books, music can speak differently to each of us.  The beauty of music is that it catches every emotion we feel.  I truly believe that the music we listen to is a reflection of everything we have been through.

The same is true for the songs from shortly after Clara’s funeral.  Songs touched my heart and tore my heart out still have that affect sometimes.  On other occasions they bring me comfort.  It really depends on the day.  Without a doubt my song preferences have changed as my grief has changed.  Songs mean different things at different times.  They lose or gain meaning depending on our circumstances.

Two years ago I created a video in memory.  Today that song still shares the thoughts that I often have.  “Who would you be?” and “Who would you look like?” are things I have posted a lot about this month.  Here is a link to that video https://youtu.be/WzarXf5z9Ms. It is a song that I don’t hear often but when I do I immediately think of Clara and the future we missed.

As I was preparing for today’s topic I pulled out my accordion to play.  I was so lost on where to go, what song to choose. I thought if a I just played a little music to get it might help me to get to into the right frame of mind.  I had no idea the sheet music I was playing from would be my song and my words from the heart this year.

My grandpa gave me the song almost 9 years ago when he began teaching me to play.  I have never really read the lyrics though.  I mean I noticed the blue eyes crying and thought it was special considering I have blue eyes and missed so much of my life with him.

Grandpa always wanted me to play it upbeat but for some reason I just felt like this should be a soft, melancholy tune.  I am sure my grandpa’s take on it is because for the most part artists like  Willie Nelson play it a little faster. It is a love song I suppose. This one is my sad love song.

Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain

In the twilight glow I see her
Blue eyes crying in the rain.

As we kissed good-bye and parted
I new we’d never meet again

Love is like a dying ember
Only memories remain
Through the ages I’ll remember
Blue eyes crying in the rain.

Now my hair has turned to silver
All my life I’ve loved in vain
I can see her star in heaven
Blue eyes crying in the rain.

Someday when we meet up yonder
We’ll stroll hand in hand again
In a land that knows no parting
Blue eyes crying in the rain.

It certainly has Clara written all over it.  She and I are both blue eyed.  The day of the funeral I stood a long time next to her casket. Finally they told me they had to put the lid on and that when they did it would seal forever.  There was no going back.  I remember knowing I would never lay eyes on her again.

My love for her is truly in memories now.  Some of those memories are old, some are made after her passing.  One thing is certain is that as I get older, those memories are very precious to me.  They will be all I have to remember her by.  I know someday, when I am old and pass, I will hold her again.

Blue eyes crying in the rain…

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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #18

Seasons & Symbols

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It is no secret that spring is my season of comfort.  I once did a bible study about the desert times in our life. It reminded me of my time in deep grief, my winter.  Spring comes after winter, rains come after the dry seasons.  It brings new beginnings and new birth.  It reminds me of all the beautiful things that came from Clara’s passing.  Springs helps me focus on the little life we held for an entire season.  Spring is filled with newness and pink and yellow and Clara.

My symbol of Clara?  The pink flowers that bloom every spring near the time of her passing.  After Clara’s funeral we were given a tree to plant in memory of her.  The person who gave the gift was particular about this tree.  He wanted it to have pink flowers for our little girl.

We brought home an ornamental crab apple tree that blooms that most beautiful pink blossoms.  The delicate blooms are brief, lasting just a few days to a week. Several years the wind has blown like a lion. Some of the flowers fly away quickly while others firmly hold on. It reminds me of the brief time we held Clara and how firmly we hold onto our memories.

Last year when I did this project I wrote about the sadness I felt with moving from South Dakota to Iowa and having to leave her tree behind.  This May I was pleasantly surprised while doing dishes.  I looked out the window and saw those lovely little pink buds on the tree in our backyard.  In a matter of days pretty pink graced the tree. It wasn’t planned.  We didn’t know. It was a simple reminder that Clara is with us no matter where we go.  It touched us in a way that said, “I am here and you are meant to be here.”

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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #17

Secondary Loss

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Who doesn’t want a fairytale?! When we first find out we are pregnant we imagine the journey. It is one of glowing, and growing.  We put together a beautiful nursery and a calm, yet perfect, birth plan.  We expect a happily ever after.

Things don’t always go as we plan.  Some suffer from terrible morning sickness, others from any myriad of conditions that can affect pregnant women. Then there are the losses of our precious babies.

Sometimes your loss happens before it begins.  We struggle with getting pregnant or staying pregnant.  We endure tests and procedures.  Needle pokes and medication regamins and in the end we still walk away with an empty womb and aching arms.

Maybe your loss happens very early on.  We go to the doctor anticipating our first peek only to find out our baby is no longer growing. For some a loss happens later along the way.  Maybe you have gotten a fatal diagnosis at your 20 week ultrasound.  Going home to decide where to go with your pregnancy.

Maybe your baby arrived too early.  Even if you baby survives the first few days, navigating the process of a NICU baby is extremely difficult.  It has lasting effects on your idea of pregnancy and motherhood.  Whether your baby survives or is too small to, mom goes home empty handed (at least for a while).

Maybe your past those “risky” parts.  You are well into your 3rd trimester. You are playing with your baby as he kicks through your growing belly.  Then one day baby isn’t moving like normal.  You visit to the hospital.  You listen to the other babies cry while pleading with your baby to.  You leave with an empty belly and empty arms.

Maybe you find out at birth that your baby is sick or has a congenital or genetic condition. Your whole world is changed. You don’t get to hold your baby like you thought you would. You spend time talking to doctors and watching you baby get poked and tested. You listen to diagnosis’s and life expectations and futures that might not be.  You might go home with empty arms or you might go home with a baby in one arm and equipment, paperwork, appointment lists, and expectations in another.  Each illness you worry that this could be the one that can’t be fixed.

Or maybe you brought your baby home.  He was healthy and thriving. Then one day they are gone.  They go to sleep and don’t wake up.  Or maybe there was a missed medical diagnosis or a tragic situation.  One day you return to the hospital only to leave alone.

In any of these, our dreams of “Happily Ever After” disappear.  Evaporate!  No first steps.  No first day of school.  No graduation.  No sports or dance.  The loss of our “happily ever after” becomes a secondary loss to the original loss of our babies.  It simply becomes our “once upon a time”.

I loved my little world where everything appeared perfect. I loved the world of writing happy memories in a baby book. When Clara died I was unprepared for her loss and even less for the secondary loss.  I didn’t realize just how many babies didn’t make it to their first birthday. So many baby books left unfinished.

Today instead of having a baby book full of memories it is has less than 10 pages filled.  Many pages have a line or two filled in and dozens more that will never be written. On the shelf with her baby book sits 3 other books completely filled.  The thing is they aren’t of the memories I dreamed of writing.  They are filled with three years of #CaptureYourGrief projects.  They are my “once upon a time” books.  Once upon a time I held this baby in my arms.

In a good way the books remind me that there are no happily forever afters but the once upon a times can be beautiful too.  The journey, the people along the way, those are the things I want to remember.  It reminds me that maybe it isn’t always about the happy ending, maybe it is about the story.   A story that brings comfort to others.  One that reminds them they aren’t alone.  Their fears are real.  Their dreams are missing.  But their children will never be forgotten.

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#CaptureYourGrief – Day #16

Creative Grief

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To so many “rainbows” refer to children born after the loss of another.  In that respect I have 2 rainbows… Lincoln and Haleigh.  I honestly have never referred to them as that though.  I never wanted them to feel second to the loss prior to them.  Not that that is how they might feel, I just really never felt they were a rainbow although they certainly brought joy and happiness.  My rainbow just came in the form of something else.  Cakes!

It was after Clara’s passing that I really got into cakes.   On her 1st birthday that I realized how lucky so many of us are to reach this milestone each year.  It was on her second birthday that I made a Barbie cake in her memory.  Each year I create another Barbie cake with a different dress.  It often reflects my ideas of what she might be into or have asked for.

In the loss I felt for both Clara’s life and the dreams I had for Lincoln an outlet grew.  I found the creative outlet for my grief and stress.  I had no idea that these cake skills were buried deep within me.

I have always suggested that the more stressed I was, the more heavyhearted, the better the cakes turn out.  Many of my most favorite cakes happen to also be 1st birthday cakes.  They remind me of just how special each of those families are.  I love seeing parents share pictures with their grinning birthday kid and their cake.  Those are memories they will keep forever!

I often get asked why I opt not to do many weddings.  It is, on all accounts, where all the money is.  I guess as my children get older and the thought of Clara’s missed wedding get closer I might shift my heart toward them.  Today though she would only be six and birthdays would be her big days.

Creativity will always be my rainbow.  My sunshine after the storms, my expression of love and grief.  I am forever grateful for the gift that was buried deep inside and for the opportunity to see it open and blossom.  It has become a way to share Clara’s memory with others.  It is a way to share in the celebrations of many that I miss out on with Clara.  It mends my heart.

“Rainbows introduce us to reflections
of different beautiful possibilities
so we never forget that pain and grief
are not the final options in life.”
― Aberjhani

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Day #17 Birthday-Anniversary

The 1st Barbie cake created in memory of Clara.

Clara's 6th Birthday cake - Jan 2015

Clara’s 6th Birthday cake – Jan 2015

Clara's 5th Birthday cake - Jan 2014

Clara’s 5th Birthday cake – Jan 2014

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