Category Archives: CarlyMarie Project

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #26

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#WhatHealsYou

As we grow I think the things that heal us change. I have touched on how cakes and writing have helped heal my heart but there is something else that heals me too. Giving. It is one thing we can do by ourselves or as a family.

In the beginning giving felt a bit more out of selfishness than anything. Shortly after Clara passed we donated our very large diaper & wipe stash to the local women’s shelter. We couldn’t bear to see them in the closet anymore. We needed them out and the shelter seemed like a good solution.

A month after Clara passed I knew I was going to have to do something with the breastmilk I had stored in the freezer. The thought of having to pour it down the drain made me sick. After a few calls to the local hospitals, I was directed to the Rocky Mountain Mother’s Milk Bank . They were so welcoming and comforting in explaining the process of how to donate. In all Clara and I donated 352 oz. It was comforting to know that there were babies who were going to benefit a great deal from Clara’s life.

Today I also want to highlight that grief doesn’t just come from the death of a child. Some of my grief is found in the loss of dreams for my Lincoln. It is a different grief but one that gets glossed over sometimes as “you are so lucky he is alive”. While I agree we are fortunate, there is grief and guilt to work through. In 2010, after Lincoln’s medical issues and allergies prevented him from using breastmilk, he and I donated 2222 oz to the Mother’s Milk Bank of Iowa. Again it helped us make the best of the hand we were dealt.

After talking to so many NICU families, I know that this kind of giving touches them deeply. It brings them a small comfort in the stress of watching their tiny baby fight for each day. If it helped just one baby have a better chance to reach their first birthday, that brings me comfort.

As grief changes so does our giving. What was once to make me feel better, now I do it to help others. For me, it reminds me of the best things others did for me when I was hurting. Sometimes just a simple “I am thinking of you” can touch a person in a very much needed way. A little note to say I thought of your loved one today or I am thinking of your medically needy kiddo. A few cupcakes to a teacher having a rough week or a Christmas gift for a little girl who is the same age Clara would be. These are all ways that can touch other lives and bring me comfort.

I have had a few people tell me it is unhealthy to give so much. They have said I only do it for the attention. I should seek some counseling. I am not looking for the rewards. I know how it touches my heart when someone shares they visited Clara’s grave and shared a story about her with their little ones. It is comforting when someone remembers her birthday or her passing day. It is comforting when families share they keep a safe sleep environment for their baby. It is healing to do the same for others, to offer comfort with a heart gift. No matter how big or small you feel your gesture is, remember this… you absolutely never know when it will turn out to be the pick-me-up that only God knew that person needed.

2016captureyourgriefday26

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #25

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I Am…

I wish …

I would have woken Clara up the morning she passed instead of “taking advantage” of her sleeping in.  I have always regretted that decision.

I remember …

All the kindness that was offered.  I still can’t believe the amount of love and support we got then and still receive now.

I could not believe…

The things people said.  People will say some cruel things.  Do me a favor and if you hear it, don’t repeat it.  Not to someone else and not to me.  It is okay to be a filter. If you think the comment was terrible, I definitely don’t need to know what Janny said about me at the community center during bingo.

If only …

I had wondered why she was so sleepy.  If only we had waited a while longer to switch her formula.  If only we had dressed her in lighter clothes. If only she had been sleeping on her back.  These are the things that I try not to dwell on.  I can’t change these.  I do know that letting go of these regrets has helped me move forward.

I am …

 forever changed.  I am growing.  I am not sad all the time anymore.  I am able to talk to about Clara without always sharing tears.  I am a different me.

2016captureyourgriefday25

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #24

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Consciously Becoming

No one can deny when you bury a child your life will forever be split.  There will always be a “before loss” you and an “after loss” you.  I often hear others talk about their old life and their “new normal”.  While that is true, I prefer not to call my after loss life a “new normal”.

There is no normal path in grief. We each take steps differently. We find some paths better than others.  When you are in your deepest grief, the words “new normal” seem to imply this terrible state you are currently in.  I found myself trying to find a better way to describe the very harsh divide.  We simply call our split the “before Clara died” and “after Clara died”.  Both contain good and bad but they are just plain different.

I must admit, I sometimes struggle to remember the “before Clara” me.  It feels so far in the past and today I am nowhere near the woman I was then.  I know there was a beautiful, strong woman that blazed a path through the world before Clara. Today I still have some of those same traits but I am changed.  I see much beauty in that change.  I think that was the hardest part of the “after Clara died” timeframe.  It can be hard to accept that there were good things that came out of the loss of Clara.  My soul has been made more beautiful.

Today I chose an image of these two lovely pieces of china from our wedding.  Here is the deal.  I was so busy with life that I didn’t open our boxes of china until early this summer.  When I opened the package I got quite a shock.  One box had 2 different styles.  I called to request an exchange only to find out that they won’t do that 8 years later.  It took me some time to realized that this just goes right along with our story. Gone is the plan of having at least one set of matching dishes.  Today I look forward to a treasured wedding story we will share with the kids.

Life situations can’t always be let go as easily as my dish problem. Some days I wish I could go back to things I loved about the old me.  It was a much more simple life.  Instead, I try to focus on the future and see the beauty that is ahead.  I want to embrace the new things I have found in my grief to help others.  I enjoy the writing and cakes and the special heart skills I didn’t know were hidden in me before Clara died.  It is in letting go of the life we planned (and the anger of losing it), that we can embrace the future and see the good changes in ourselves.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #23

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Sounds, Season, Scents

It is no surprise that my favorite season is spring.  It is the season of rebirth and beauty.  It is the season that Clara saw in her short life.  Spring reminds me of pink and everything we love about her.  Spring isn’t always perfect.  It can be unpredictable but one thing that is always true is that spring means new growth.  It means I will be seeing my favorite flowers and making a trip to South Dakota.  The years that these lovely flowers have been blown off by the wind way too early remind me of the little life we lost too soon.

As the birds begin to chirp it reminds me of the dove in the cemetery the day of the funeral. One of our favorite parts of spring is the return of the ducks to the river.  The kids and I enjoy visiting and feeding them.  We visit the Statue of Hope at City Park in Iowa City.  We walk the area and watch as the river rises.  A reminder that not everything will go according to plan.  We will have unexpected losses but there is always rebuilding afterward.  With rebuilding comes so many new friendships and new doors to open.  Life isn’t the same but we return and continue to grow.

The smell of the warmer air and lovely smell of light rain are always welcome.  Winter is bare and empty.  No sounds but the howling wind. Nothing to look at but bare trees and frozen ground. Spring means the beginning of warmth. It reminds me of the warmth I felt when Clara arrived.  Spring reminds me of her smiles and the love she radiated. The rain softly falls reminding me of the days we stayed in our pj’s all day, cuddling by the window.  Spring just reminds me of all the best things of Clara. It is absolutely my favorite and no other season will ever compare. <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #22

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Pearls of Wisdom

I was surprised and humbled by the number of friends who changed sleep habits after Clara’s death. Some told me it was her passing that made the difference, others said it was in reading posts I had made to Facebook. If I could share just one piece of advice it would be this: Not everyone will listen or change.

I liken this to be similar to the lesson we teach our kids about touching breakables. We tell them don’t touch because it might break. In our loss, we share with the world that safe sleep is really important. It reduces the risk of SIDS and it does save lives. It will be your closest family and friends who ignore you that will hurt the most. It will hurt because it makes you feel like they don’t care or remember your baby. It feels like they are saying, “it can’t happen to me”. They will post pictures of their “beautiful” baby room and you will feel the sting of tears and the searing anger when you see their crib decked out with the latest puffy crib bumper. You will worry about the ones who sleep in the latest trendy “rock & play sleepers”. You will cry when you see an image on Facebook of a new baby sleeping on their tummy on top of blankets or bedsharing. You will pray for every baby.

 

Your first reaction will be to tell them that is dangerous. It is okay to do remind them once, or maybe twice, but please be gentle and remember this one thing: YOU CAN’T FORCE THEM TO CHANGE. Quite the opposite can happen. You will cause them to dig their heels in and shut you out. You absolutely should be sharing safe sleep habits but please, please don’t shove it down your friend’s throat (even though you really want to). Kindness goes a long way and is far more effective in reaching people.

 

Sadly, even seven years later, I still have friends and family that continue to use unsafe sleep environments. Every day I pray that they won’t have to live through the pain that I have. Each October I hope that my daily posts reach them. I pray Clara’s life and passing will somehow touch them in a way that causes them to change their habits. I pray for the day when no more families are surprised by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Finally, I pray for the day when no family has to deal with the pain and guilt of losing a baby to a sleep-accident unrelated to SIDS.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #21

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Relationships

Relationships remind me of this critter car in my image.  We are all different and unique in our experiences and yet, we have found a way to journey together.  Each has a strength they can share and each has a weakness they are seeking help with.  It is that support system that this griever sought.

One thing I didn’t expect was the number of new relationships I would find through my grief.  I have met so many wonderful people, many that I still talk to often.  These relationships  were much needed as some of my previous connections changed.  I have come to understand that  friendships come and go with the seasons of life.  It is a rarity that friendships end, they simply change.  Some of my best relationships and friendships took a back seat in my time of need.  I had to remind myself that they would be there when this season of grief changed.  As the years have passed, those relationships did come back.  Some were the same, others were different. Today I am thankful to have so many people to reach out to when I need.  I also have a fond appreciation for those who reach out to me at random and become the connection I have been secretly needing.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #20

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Gratitude

This topic has been weighing heavily on me. Gratitude is hard sometimes.  Life has twists and turns and sometimes we are left in places where there is no perfect outcome, no happiness in either road.

I started off my grief journey expressing gratitude. That fateful day I was thankful that our doctor came in a said, “I am sorry.  There is nothing else we can do.” followed by nothing else.  Weird, right!?!  We weren’t left with the choice to remove life support. That decision was already made for us.  That guilt card was removed from our hand. I have never had to hear, “you didn’t pray hard enough” or that “you didn’t wait long enough for your miracle”.  I never have to wonder what if.  For that, I am grateful.

Gratitude often comes with an expectation of happiness.  In the first weeks and months of grief, gratitude doesn’t equate happiness.  It is merely finding something to hang your hat of hope on.  I found it to be little things like a hug, a smile, remembering a good memory.  I spent the first days and weeks taking time each day to find something to be thankful for. It was my way of coping and fighting the sadness.

As I have grown, I have found gratitude in many other things. Today gratitude is usually rolled with happiness but not always.  We continue to do “thankful for” with the kids each night.  We don’t try to see the good in each bad thing but rather a good thing in our day.  Some situations have no silver lining.  You can’t make one. What I can do is find a silver lining in my day. Sometimes I make it that hug the nurse gave me or the smile a stranger had. Other times I see it the connection I made with someone new or the soft bed I head home to.  Gratitude isn’t alway easy and it isn’t always about happiness. Some days it helps me focus on something good when all I can see is the terrible, awful situation in front of me.

Today’s image is one of my youngest daughter Haleigh.  She is wearing a very special dress.  It is special because it was a gift from a friend who had no idea what she was giving me.  This dress is the exact dress Clara wore when we laid her to rest.  The only difference is the size.  Haleigh has found this dress to be one of her favs.  It is too small for her and yet she likes to play dress up with it.  This is a picture from the day Haleigh surprised me by wearing it.  Judging by the smile, you can tell she has not a clue how hard it was for me.  She was PROUD to wear it!  There is no silver lining here.  It was sad and a punch in the gut to see her wearing it.  The gratitude I found… that I found the courage to hug this lovely lady while she was wearing it.

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Haleigh – Summer 2016

Easter 2009

Clara – Easter 2009

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #19

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Grief Rituals

Things have really changed since our first year. We no longer use blue Christmas lights on our tree. We still try to find a girl and boy Clara’s age to go Christmas toy shopping for. Our first year we didn’t really know what to do for Clara’s birthday. We wrote messages on balloons and let them go. Of course, Mason’s got stuck in the tree. We explained that Clara couldn’t read them all at once (and hoped the balloon moved by morning). Thank goodness it made the move overnight!

It was on Clara’s second birthday that we thought a cake might be different and yet normal. I wanted to create something that didn’t need a candle. It wasn’t like we could add one anyway. So it was decided that the doll cake was it. Each year her dress changes and we find new ways to capture who she might be. Three years ago we began adding a white butterfly to the cake. It is a quiet reminder of the baby we miscarried. A pregnancy that was detected mid-May with a due date of January 23, 2013. (crazy close to Clara’s birthday & passing dates).

Recognizing her birthday brings comfort, smiles, tears, and love. For us, the cake celebrates the time we held Clara. It reminds us of the good memories and some sad ones. It helps our kids to know that she was born and lived. It helps Chris and me to remember the journey to her birth. It is just one of the ways we celebrate all 111 days of memories on earth and remember each one of her Heavenly Birthdays. <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #17

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Sacred Space

Today I took some time to look back through my previous years of this project.  My sacred space as evolved and changed as my grief has.  We have a special area in our home and pictures on the wall.  We have trees and plants and a cemetery space.  We have this lovely bench that we take pictures near each year.  It made me realize that my sacred space is really our home.

When I say home, I don’t mean the structure.  We have moved a couple of times since Clara passed.  When referred to as a structure I find that “home” isn’t sacred.  Her empty room was never sacred.  It was something that caused strife between myself and other family members.  It was a place where another baby took over.  When I refer to “home” I really mean this group of people that live together, love together, grieve together.

Our home has always been a safe place to talk about Clara.  It is a place to share reminders and celebrate birthdays.  One where we sometimes cry together.  We ask and answer questions about this baby girl.  Our home is where we don’t have to explain why we take our back-to-school pictures near this bench each year, we just know.  We grow together in our loss and change.  Our home is always growing.

Our home reminds me that we will always grow and change but nothing makes Clara’s life lost.  She is part of this sacred space in our hearts and home.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #16

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Full Moon Retreat

It is easy to be the sun that brightens someone’s day but sometimes what a griever really needs is a moon in their darkest hour. It is easy to get lost in the sea of darkness. Trusting you will make it through feels impossible. As the moon grows, so does our ability to see the path. It isn’t easy to trudge through what is in front of us but the moon reminds you that know you are not alone in your journey.  Eventually the sun begins to shine in the horizon and the moon begins to fade.  It doesn’t mean the moon is gone forever.  Once in a while it hangs in the horizon. A simple reminder that even though you have made it through the hardest part, it is still there whenever the darkness returns.

day16

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