Category Archives: CarlyMarie Project 2016

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #21

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Relationships

Relationships remind me of this critter car in my image.  We are all different and unique in our experiences and yet, we have found a way to journey together.  Each has a strength they can share and each has a weakness they are seeking help with.  It is that support system that this griever sought.

One thing I didn’t expect was the number of new relationships I would find through my grief.  I have met so many wonderful people, many that I still talk to often.  These relationships  were much needed as some of my previous connections changed.  I have come to understand that  friendships come and go with the seasons of life.  It is a rarity that friendships end, they simply change.  Some of my best relationships and friendships took a back seat in my time of need.  I had to remind myself that they would be there when this season of grief changed.  As the years have passed, those relationships did come back.  Some were the same, others were different. Today I am thankful to have so many people to reach out to when I need.  I also have a fond appreciation for those who reach out to me at random and become the connection I have been secretly needing.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #20

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Gratitude

This topic has been weighing heavily on me. Gratitude is hard sometimes.  Life has twists and turns and sometimes we are left in places where there is no perfect outcome, no happiness in either road.

I started off my grief journey expressing gratitude. That fateful day I was thankful that our doctor came in a said, “I am sorry.  There is nothing else we can do.” followed by nothing else.  Weird, right!?!  We weren’t left with the choice to remove life support. That decision was already made for us.  That guilt card was removed from our hand. I have never had to hear, “you didn’t pray hard enough” or that “you didn’t wait long enough for your miracle”.  I never have to wonder what if.  For that, I am grateful.

Gratitude often comes with an expectation of happiness.  In the first weeks and months of grief, gratitude doesn’t equate happiness.  It is merely finding something to hang your hat of hope on.  I found it to be little things like a hug, a smile, remembering a good memory.  I spent the first days and weeks taking time each day to find something to be thankful for. It was my way of coping and fighting the sadness.

As I have grown, I have found gratitude in many other things. Today gratitude is usually rolled with happiness but not always.  We continue to do “thankful for” with the kids each night.  We don’t try to see the good in each bad thing but rather a good thing in our day.  Some situations have no silver lining.  You can’t make one. What I can do is find a silver lining in my day. Sometimes I make it that hug the nurse gave me or the smile a stranger had. Other times I see it the connection I made with someone new or the soft bed I head home to.  Gratitude isn’t alway easy and it isn’t always about happiness. Some days it helps me focus on something good when all I can see is the terrible, awful situation in front of me.

Today’s image is one of my youngest daughter Haleigh.  She is wearing a very special dress.  It is special because it was a gift from a friend who had no idea what she was giving me.  This dress is the exact dress Clara wore when we laid her to rest.  The only difference is the size.  Haleigh has found this dress to be one of her favs.  It is too small for her and yet she likes to play dress up with it.  This is a picture from the day Haleigh surprised me by wearing it.  Judging by the smile, you can tell she has not a clue how hard it was for me.  She was PROUD to wear it!  There is no silver lining here.  It was sad and a punch in the gut to see her wearing it.  The gratitude I found… that I found the courage to hug this lovely lady while she was wearing it.

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Haleigh – Summer 2016

Easter 2009

Clara – Easter 2009

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #19

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Grief Rituals

Things have really changed since our first year. We no longer use blue Christmas lights on our tree. We still try to find a girl and boy Clara’s age to go Christmas toy shopping for. Our first year we didn’t really know what to do for Clara’s birthday. We wrote messages on balloons and let them go. Of course, Mason’s got stuck in the tree. We explained that Clara couldn’t read them all at once (and hoped the balloon moved by morning). Thank goodness it made the move overnight!

It was on Clara’s second birthday that we thought a cake might be different and yet normal. I wanted to create something that didn’t need a candle. It wasn’t like we could add one anyway. So it was decided that the doll cake was it. Each year her dress changes and we find new ways to capture who she might be. Three years ago we began adding a white butterfly to the cake. It is a quiet reminder of the baby we miscarried. A pregnancy that was detected mid-May with a due date of January 23, 2013. (crazy close to Clara’s birthday & passing dates).

Recognizing her birthday brings comfort, smiles, tears, and love. For us, the cake celebrates the time we held Clara. It reminds us of the good memories and some sad ones. It helps our kids to know that she was born and lived. It helps Chris and me to remember the journey to her birth. It is just one of the ways we celebrate all 111 days of memories on earth and remember each one of her Heavenly Birthdays. <3

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #17

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Sacred Space

Today I took some time to look back through my previous years of this project.  My sacred space as evolved and changed as my grief has.  We have a special area in our home and pictures on the wall.  We have trees and plants and a cemetery space.  We have this lovely bench that we take pictures near each year.  It made me realize that my sacred space is really our home.

When I say home, I don’t mean the structure.  We have moved a couple of times since Clara passed.  When referred to as a structure I find that “home” isn’t sacred.  Her empty room was never sacred.  It was something that caused strife between myself and other family members.  It was a place where another baby took over.  When I refer to “home” I really mean this group of people that live together, love together, grieve together.

Our home has always been a safe place to talk about Clara.  It is a place to share reminders and celebrate birthdays.  One where we sometimes cry together.  We ask and answer questions about this baby girl.  Our home is where we don’t have to explain why we take our back-to-school pictures near this bench each year, we just know.  We grow together in our loss and change.  Our home is always growing.

Our home reminds me that we will always grow and change but nothing makes Clara’s life lost.  She is part of this sacred space in our hearts and home.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #16

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Full Moon Retreat

It is easy to be the sun that brightens someone’s day but sometimes what a griever really needs is a moon in their darkest hour. It is easy to get lost in the sea of darkness. Trusting you will make it through feels impossible. As the moon grows, so does our ability to see the path. It isn’t easy to trudge through what is in front of us but the moon reminds you that know you are not alone in your journey.  Eventually the sun begins to shine in the horizon and the moon begins to fade.  It doesn’t mean the moon is gone forever.  Once in a while it hangs in the horizon. A simple reminder that even though you have made it through the hardest part, it is still there whenever the darkness returns.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #15

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Wave of Light

Tonight we are remembering all those babies and children got too soon.  To those who continue to share the life and spirit of that special one, we are thinking of you.
Tonight I am reminded of the families who have received a diagnosis and may already know that this candle will be in their future. I am hoping for your miracle.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #14

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Beliefs & Spirituality

One cannot experience a life changing event without some shaking of your belief system.  Sometimes the rattle is large, sometimes small.  I have found that no matter the change, one must find their own way back to their belief system, whatever it may be.

One can shout from the rooftops their beliefs but it is in their actions that it is revealed.  Today I have opted to share only that I struggled with my beliefs in religion.  I am a believer of God but not the “religion” aspect.  I think the biggest reason for that is the pastor of the very conservative church we attended at Clara’s passing.  “You are so fortunate.  Had you not baptized Clara we would have been begging for her entry into Heaven rather than celebrating her life.”  I imagine how differently her funeral would have been if that were the case. No life deserves to be mourned in that way.  It was in those words and the pastor’s actions over the next year that were what caused me to walk away from religion.

Don’t get me wrong, we still attend church just not one that has a ton of “requirements” or “rituals”.  We attend one that allows us to believe that the todays image is how Clara met Heaven.  It is one that doesn’t require me to use my words convince a griever that they must follow a certain belief.  Rather one that reminds me it is just as powerful to allow my actions to share my testimony. Love everyone, treat them with respect, smile, and share your heart.  You never know when that will be the step that leads someone out of the darkness.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #13

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Dear World

Clara passed away due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  SIDS knows no boundaries.  It affects all socioeconomic groups.  It affects all ethnicities and religions.  It is unknown what causes it. Clara had some risk factors including blankets in her sleep area and on her tummy.  If it hadn’t happened May 12th, 2009, it could have happened another day.  It could have happened in our care. Clara was super sleepy that morning.  She slept until just before I went to work at 10am.  Had it been my day off I would have found her.

 

Dear World – It wasn’t my daycare’s fault.

I do not place fault on my daycare.  This is probably one of the hardest things for other’s to understand.  I have heard so many say, “I would have sued.”, “I would never go back.”, “Do you ever wonder…”.  To which I reply … SIDS knows no bounds.  In my mind the answer was and still is to find the remedy rather than place blame. My inner peace comes from offering compassion instead of blame.

Our daycare lady was like another grandma to our children.  Clara’s death affected her too.  She needed compassion and love.  She needed to know that this wasn’t her fault.  She changed the way future babies slept to help reduce their risk.  She told new parents about Clara’s passing. She cried when we asked if we could continued to take our children to her.  She even got to hold two more of our babies before I had to start staying home. We worked on a remedy that would bring our families closer together. I am thankful for that because it meant I could ask her questions about that fateful day and she was open and honest in answering them.

Today I had a different idea and had planned to blog about getting stuck in the darkness.  As I tried to capture the tunnel I found an ugly (but necessary) emergency call poll in they way.  Instead of complaining I took a few steps back and worked out a remedy.  It made for an amazing picture and inspired a different subject to write about. It is a great reminder that in grief and in every day life, we need to remember that things turn out best for people who make the best our the way things turn out. We can’t control life but we can control the way we handle it.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #12

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Lemons + Lemonade

Lemons & lemonade was something that my husband talked about during Clara’s wake.  Since then we have always called things our Pink Lemonade.  My blog name, our team name for the run, even the logo for my business ties back to it.

For me the biggest lemonade is finding my gift for cake decorating.  You see our “rainbow baby” was born before we honored Clara’s first anniversary of her passing.  On the day that our “rainbow” was officially older than his sister, he was diagnosed with a lifelong medical condition.  It would require a major surgery before he turned one. What a basket of lemons!

After spending 21 days in Iowa City getting amazing care, we went home and celebrated his first birthday.  It was then that we realized how special birthdays really were.  Not every kid gets to celebrate them and there are so many more that fight like mad to see their next one.  We often assume that our kids will see tomorrow.  As parents we should be treating each day and especially each birthdays like it is their last one.  Life can change in an instant.

Everyday I am making a little lemonade in memory of my little girl.  My heart always has birthdays and especially first birthdays close to it.  I LOVE making them!  They show me that so many little ones that have made it through another year.  They give me a chance to create what I didn’t get to with Clara.  With every birthday cake I deliver, I make a wish for another year for the recipient and family.  With every baby shower and gender reveal cake, I make a wish for a healthy, loved baby who gets to see their first baby.  With every wedding cake, I wish for ease of fertility and healthy babies (if desired because there are couples that are happy baby free).

I am so thankful to have had the chance to find my caking talent.  Being able to use it in a way to honor Clara makes it even sweeter.  When Happy Cake Baker makes your cake you are getting so much more than a delicious cake and beautiful decorations.  You are getting a piece of my heart and a wish for another year.

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Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #10

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Signs & Symbols

When Clara passed away we were given a beautiful crabapple tree.  The following year it bloomed during the week of her passing.  It was absolutely unexpected but it felt like a sign from her.  For the next few years we would watch her tree bloom each May.  One of the hardest things to do was move away from her tree.  It was heart wrenching to know that I wasn’t going to see this tree grow and bloom.  It reminded me of the pain when we lost Clara. We promised each other that we would leave little pink trees everywhere we went.

That next May little pink flowers bloomed on a tree at our rental.  I could hardly believe my eyes!!  They weren’t from a tree we planted but from one that was already there. It felt like a sign that were were right where we were supposed to be and that she was right there with us.

This spring we finally settled into a new home.  We knew that our new place wouldn’t have our favorite pink tree.  On Mother’s Day weekend (the weekend she passed) we went out in search of another crabapple and came home with a beautiful tiny tree already full of blooms.  We look forward to watching another tree grow with us.   Every time I see these lovely pink blooms I am reminded that she is still with us.  Her beauty is in those flowers.  Her life was real and it is still touching ours.  I may not be able to physically touch her but I most certainly feel her.

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