Daily Archives: October 10, 2016

Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #10

Signs & Symbols

When Clara passed away we were given a beautiful crabapple tree.  The following year it bloomed during the week of her passing.  It was absolutely unexpected but it felt like a sign from her.  For the next few years we would watch her tree bloom each May.  One of the hardest things to do was move away from her tree.  It was heart wrenching to know that I wasn’t going to see this tree grow and bloom.  It reminded me of the pain when we lost Clara. We promised each other that we would leave little pink trees everywhere we went.

That next May little pink flowers bloomed on a tree at our rental.  I could hardly believe my eyes!!  They weren’t from a tree we planted but from one that was already there. It felt like a sign that were were right where we were supposed to be and that she was right there with us.

This spring we finally settled into a new home.  We knew that our new place wouldn’t have our favorite pink tree.  On Mother’s Day weekend (the weekend she passed) we went out in search of another crabapple and came home with a beautiful tiny tree already full of blooms.  We look forward to watching another tree grow with us.   Every time I see these lovely pink blooms I am reminded that she is still with us.  Her beauty is in those flowers.  Her life was real and it is still touching ours.  I may not be able to physically touch her but I most certainly feel her.




Capture Your Grief – 2016 – Day #9

Surrender & Embrace

Surrendering and embracing loss is a lifelong journey.  It isn’t something that you just do and move on.  Step by step we let go of things and slowly embrace their consequences.  Sometimes those consequences are good and other times bad. We have to hope those around us can give us time to search our heart for the courage to move forward in a healthy way.

Every day I drive back past this farm on my way to our elementary school.  It makes me sad to see all the houses being built so close.  The scene reminds me of the loneliness we feel in our journey.  We see the world, whole and alive, growing and moving ahead.  We can declare that is isn’t fair and hate the world.  We can hold onto the unjustness and finality of our loss. Just as the farmer can fight to keep the farm he once had, we can remain in the field alone staring at horizon with jealously and anger at the life we once had.

To surrender is not easy.  We have to admit and accept that our lives will never be the same.  We have to acknowledge that the world must move forward and that we have to too.  For me it wasn’t until I accepted that life isn’t always fair that I could fully embrace happiness again.  I finally embraced that I can’t change things.  I definitely recommend taking time to let go of some of the hurtful things people said or did.  These helped me embrace the world again. When I did, found I wasn’t alone.  There are a lot more people who quietly share my pain.

I have stumbled along the way too.  Milestones Clara won’t reach can get to me.  Once in a  while jealousy and anger creep in.  Each day is a challenge to surrender the pain of grief and embrace what is left in my world.  You see surrendering doesn’t happen in a single day.  It is something you have to choose to do every single day of your life until the day you take your last breath.