What it Felt Like
Words can’t describe how it feels to bury a baby. Seeing her little body in a tiny coffin was absolutely heart shattering. I had been to a dozen funerals before Clara’s. I had seen friends, grandparents, siblings… nothing prepares you for this.
I will never forget the way Clara looked like a porcelain doll or how she felt rubbery. I will never forget the funeral home suggesting we place a hat on her because of the autopsy wounds on her head. It felt surreal and weird and overwhelming. I didn’t want to look and feel but I couldn’t take my eyes off her either.
Last night as I looked through the few images we have of her at the funeral I cried. Today as I write, I cry. I can’t believe how much this memory is burned into my brain. She looks just as I remember. Time certainly doesn’t change the hurt it feels to see this. I had to ask my husband’s permission to use this image today. Bless him for allowing me to share it. We both stared at it for a long time. We both agree that it seems like so long ago and yet the pain is still palpable. It instantly brings tears.
The hardest thing of the funeral was when they announced they would be closing the casket for the last time. The finality of that moment is something I have never felt before or again. There is something so different about it being a baby. I felt like that moment was harder than being at the cemetery for the burial. There would be no more peeks, no more touches, no more anything. The last thing we did was tuck her in one last time. She was beautiful and perfect. Eyes closed she was ready for her final rest.
Do you feel the tears?
That is how it felt.