Forgiveness & Humanity

Forgiveness is never easy!  I would be lying if I said it was. In my own experiences I have found that there is so much baggage that comes from others saying or doing things that are hurtful.  Even harder are the hurts that nobody wants to appologize for.  They can’t even acknowledge that what they did was hurtful.

“Get over it.”
“I am don’t need to apologize, I did nothing wrong.”
“It is your problem, not mine.”
“Not my problem you took it the wrong way.”
“I can’t change the past.”
*silence*

If you have ever been on the receiving end of one of these it means you probably tried to talk to the person who made you feel hurt.  You probably were trying to either get them to see how it made you feel or maybe even apologize for your own reaction to their hurtfulness.  Either way you most likely walked away more broken than when you arrived.

One of the toughest things to do is to forgive when that person isn’t willing or able to say sorry.  Beth Moore wrote in her bible study The Patriarchs that there are four reasons people can’t acknowledge or apologize.

They are oblivious.  They simply don’t see how they could have hurt you.  They themselves don’t think they would have been hurt by those words or actions.

They are unwilling.  They choose not to acknowledge the hurtfulness of their actions.  To acknowledge would mean they would have to look inside themselves and see something they didn’t like. They might have their own forgiveness issues. They may refuse because it keeps them in the power seat.  They see that it affects you.

They are unable.  Maybe they have their own mental health issues or they simply cannot distinguish right and wrong.  They just might not be able to do it.  Maybe they haven’t even been given a chance to acknowledge their hurt. Maybe they have their own things to work through first.

God’s unwilling.  Maybe their forgiveness will make you feel approval from man rather than through the source of God.  Maybe that person is toxic to you.

In any of these situations you are not going to get the apology you seek.  That doesn’t mean you can’t forgive them.  In forgiving them you leave the baggage behind.  No more being angry that someone leaves you feeling hurt, confused, lost, or angry.  No more feeling inadequate or worthless.  You take control away from those you are “unwilling to forgive”.  Simply you remove the ability for that person or those hurts to weigh you down.

It isn’t easy.  Forgiveness means not using those hurts against the other person.  It means not letting them get to you anymore.  Sometimes forgiveness comes with the need to break away from the person hurting you.  You can take a break and forgive at the same time.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise especially those in the “unwilling” group.

The second hardest person to forgive is yourself.  We go through the “what if’s” and “if only’s”.  We wonder if we did everything to protect our child(ren).  Did we check on our daycare well enough, did we eat healthy, with we do something wrong? Am I worthless or unfit? These questions will eat you alive.  You have to stop beating yourself up over these things.  You need to forgive yourself for whatever you are carrying around.

You know what?  Some people will exploit those feelings.  They are quick to see that you can’t even forgive yourself.  In that you allow them power over you.  You allow the hurts power over you too.  You allow yourself to carry baggage that you might have already cleared with God.  Don’t keep letting it drag you down.

Throughout my life I have found that forgiveness is easy when others acknowledge that they hurt you.  I have learned that forgiving others who can’t apologize is hard and forgiving myself is the hardest.  From confusion to abuse to emotional control to the loss of a child, I have felt the burdens of others actions.  I have spent many nights crying out because I let myself carry the baggage and allow others to have control.

I have been working in recent months through forgiving myself for the ways I have kept holding onto things I already gave to God.  It has been one of the hardest things to do in my life.  I am still a work in progress but I will tell you that with each thing I let go of, for each hurt I deal with, my baggage and worthless feelings shrink. The ropes that have held me to others for so long are getting cut.  As I feel more free, I find it even easier to forgive others.  And forgiving others more freely means I find that pokes sometimes hurt a little less.

It is a tough road but it is one that will bring closure and healing to your broken heart.  Seek help if you need, work on it alone if you can, and reach out to find the freedom that is within your grasp.