Monthly Archives: October 2014

The CarlyMarie Project – Day 21

                                 Relationship

 

relationship  Relationships are ever changing but the loss of a child can move changes along much sooner and faster than we could ever anticipate.  Suddenly we are thrust into an emotional roller coaster that loops for one spouse when it is flat for the other.  It becomes a crazy dance that each must work hard to understand.  Each of us grieves so differently and at our own pace.  It can create so much confusion and guilt.

We want to help our partners and yet we want them to help us.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t help my husband and he felt guilty he couldn’t help me.  We were just two totally different grievers.  We struggled apart and yet we struggled together.  We started talking about the common things we were struggling with and with that forged a way to help without guilt.  We had to work hard to continue to stay connected, to feel loved, and to work through issues.

There are other parts of a relationship that can be affected by loss too. Perhaps one of the most taboo topics is sex after such a loss of a child. It isn’t uncommon to find couples expecting again quickly after their loss.  We found ourselves in that boat.  The guilt we shared as a couple was overwhelming.  The public was quick to judge and place guilt.  “Replacing your baby isn’t going to help.”  “They didn’t love their baby much if they can turn around and create another one so quickly.”  Others acted disgusted that in a time of loss that act was even on a couple’s mind.  I often felt guilty that we even found sex was right at a time of such sadness.  It isn’t like after you give birth where they say wait 6 weeks.  After a loss there really isn’t any timeframe. Some couples wait while others don’t. Some doctors tell couples to wait, others say whenever you are ready.  After talking together we found that even though other’s words left us to feel guilty, we shouldn’t feel that way.  We weren’t replacing anyone, we were simply loving each other in a way that was comforting to both of us.

As with most relationships our’s continues to grow and change. It’s change is not nearly as quick and forceful as it did the year we lost Clara.  We still work through guilt as it creeps in.  We still have time set aside to talk.  We take trips to the cemetery together once in a while. We still share dreams and goals.  We continue to grow our relationship and faith together because we know strength and weakness, love and guilt, happy and sad, hope and fear and we aren’t afraid to keep tackling them together.

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYourHeart

 

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 20

                                        Breathe

Trust in the Lord

For bereaved parents this can be a tough thing to do.  We fear so much that we forget to take a step back and breathe.  For a time many of us lose trust.   We worry about our children here on earth, we worry about our partners, we worry about just about everything.  We become a tight ball of fear, anxiety, and distrust.  When we are able to stop, breathe, and place our trust back with God that little ball of fear starts to unravel and the calm starts to take over.  When you are faced with fear or anxieties remember to take a deep breath, look up, and let it go.  Let God take over and calm you, lead you, and comfort you. Instead of you trying to carry the world, let Him carry you!

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 19

                                        Give

 

Looking at the topic of give makes me smile.  My husband and I found very early on that giving in memory of Clara was healing for us.  For me it made it feel less like I was simply throwing Clara’s stuff away and more that I was offering a little bit of Clara to others.  The first call we got in the ER was from the organ donation group.  They were asking us if we would be willing to donate Clara’s heart valves.  We said yes!

From there we slowly gave away some of her things, like diapers, wipes, and some clothes to a program for mothers in need.  We sent off the breast milk that we had stashed away to a Mother’s Milk Bank in Denver, CO.  Each year we use our local Angel Tree to find a little girl Clara’s age to give to.  We give to SIDS research and family help.  There are just so many ways we can and do give in the physical form.

Sometimes we are so stuck on material giving that we over look the self giving we can do.  Often times it is the giving of ourselves that can mean so much more that anything else.  I found the best giving to come from helping others.  Being a peer contact was one way I could help others.  God brought so many women into my life at a time when I and they needed it most.  To watch many of these women work through their grief has helped me walk through mine.  There insights have been helpful to mine.  The best part is seeing them smile again and return to God.  The love they share heals my heart a little more each time.

give-up-holiday-quote

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 18

                                       Gratitude

 

Throughout my loss I have found that gratitude changes.  Things I took advantage of before I found have new meaning.  I am grateful to share in some of the simplest things.  Just like in the days after losing Clara I continue to search each day for something to be grateful for.  Today I captured an image of the first thing I saw today… My messy living room.  It is one of those “odd” things to be thankful for.  When Clara died my living room was filled with baby toys, a swing, a play mat, baby clothes, diapers, wipes, transformers, and more.  In the weeks that followed my husband and I slowly packed these items up, put them away, or donated them.  It made our home feel so empty just like our empty arms.  It was such a shock to go from everything to nothing.  It makes todays messy living room feel welcomed.  Today I smile and capture a memory of something that I will someday miss again but love right now.

 PicsArt_10_18_2014 10_43_52 AM Enjoy the little things!!

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 17

Explore

 

Exploring my grief journey was nothing short of a mess of mass confusion.  I am not always sure how I got to the point where life was good again.  I sometimes fear that I missed some part of the process because I didn’t have as many tears as others.  I look back and find two things that helped me to keep moving forward.  Finding the good in every day and keeping envy at bay absolutely were, and still are, the most important things to my survival.

We can never be at peace if we are always comparing ourselves, our grief, our changes, our lives, our families, or anything else against someone else.  I know that in the beginning of my journey I was guilty of this.  I compared myself to other mothers and asked God why they got to keep their kids and not me.  Why me, why not them?  Yeah, it was that bad but I am not ashamed to admit it because it happens to us all.  We all just want to know why because it isn’t fair in our eyes.  As the years have passed there has always been a hiccup here and there with some piece of my grief.  Each detour requires a need for me to stop and a reminder to look up instead of around me.  I am special and shaped in the way God wants me and so are those around me.  I don’t want to long for what someone else has or does.  I need to be me, I need to survive and be happy.

Another key to my journey has been finding good in every day.  This is the one thing I have done since Clara’s funeral.  It was my lifejacket in the rough seas.  As long as I found something good, no matter how small, I could focus on seeing blessings rather than all the other crappy things that come with losing a child.  When my husband was having a really tough time, we started doing this as a couple.  Some days my “good” was a hug or a smile and slowly my “good” became more.  It is the more that began to heal my heart.  The connecting with another mother, participating in an event, days when I could smile through tears.  Those are the moments I tend to focus on more because I have those happy moments to fall back on.  When some of the more sad moments come up I am able to say, “yeah but remember what happened right after that?” and there is a good memory to fill in too.

Today I feel at peace with my journey.  Every journey is filled with bumps and detours and mine is no exception.  Today I am at a place where I feel comfort, peace, and hope.  I can celebrate Clara’s life and talk about her with others.  I can share some of the most personal parts of my journey with honesty and not be fearful of being judged.  My journey is 5 years old and yet still so many years away from being over.  Looking ahead at all those years has me wondering about so many things.  How will I handle missing special events like prom, graduation, wedding, children?  I want to meet those dates with grace and hope.  I want to look out there are see those celebrating parents and be thankful for them, be happy for them.  I hope to be able to look at my nephew who was born 6 months after Clara and hug him on his these very same special events.  I want to be there for Clara’s friend Alexis as she experiences milestones and be happy to see this special young lady reminding us of ours.  I want for no other family to walk this journey of grief and yet I want to be there to help them if it does happen.   I want for nothing more than to be happy and remember all the lives my little girl has touched.

 

Journey begins with single step

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 16

                                         Retreat

 

Half way through the month of October and the CarlyMarie Project.  Looking at the project topics to come and I realize that the easy part of the month is over.  The next 15 days are deep topics and although I am looking forward to them, I know they will take time.  It makes today a great day for a retreat!

For me this retreat means working on a bible study and try to catch up a little on my bible in a year project that has been put on hold.  It means looking back over the last 15 days and giving all the things that have come up to God.  It means a day of prayer.  Prayers of thankfulness and of releasing fears.  God truly is my best listener.  He is my rock.  Yes, God is my rock, not my husband.  My husband may have been the one who has been by my side through this journey but God is the one leading me through.  So for now I will retreat from the world and take nap time to be with the Lord.
Blessings to you all!

God… You are my place of quiet retreat; I wait for Your word to renew me.  
Psalm 119:114

Day - 16 - Retreat

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 15

Wave of Light

Wave of Light - In Memory of Clara

A Child on Loan
~

“I’ll lend to you for a little time,
A child of mine,” God said,
“For you to love while he lives
And mourn for when he’s dead.”

“It may be one or seven years
Or twenty-one or three,
But will you till I call him back,
Take care of him for me?”

“He’ll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You’ll have these precious memories
To comfort you through grief.”

“I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.”

“I’ve looked this world over,
In my search for teachers true.
In the crowds of this great land,
I have selected you.”

“Now will you give him all your love
Not think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call
To take him back again?”

I fancied what I heard them say,
“Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness,
we’ll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we’ve known,
forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him,
sooner than we’ve planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.”

Edgar Guest

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 14

Light/Dark

 

As I look at todays journaling bit I realize that I started this a little yesterday with pregnancy and future children. The struggle of my heart.  The good and the bad, the happiness and the fear.  I can’t help but remember the beautiful words my husband spoke at Clara’s visitation.   He wanted everyone to make sweet out of the bitter, make the lemons into lemonade.  So today I find it fitting to share that image, our image, of light and dark.

Pink lemonade

Grief is a constant back and forth of light and dark.  We mourn our loss and yet we celebrate the life we once held.  We cry and at the same time giggle through our tears at the funny stories and memories.  We do things to honor our children and still feel sad that we are attending that very event.  We share joys of more children and hide our fears.  We are changed.  The battle between the light and dark is different that it was before our loss.  It is real, babies really do die.  Hearts can be shattered.  Memories are precious.  Little things bring smiles to our hearts and tears to our eyes.

Today my swings between light and dark are fewer but never completely gone.  My home is filled with reminders of pink and yellow.  They will always signify my struggle and blessings, my tears and laughter, my hopes and dreams,
my bitter and my sweet.

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 13

Season

"The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day He created spring."  Bern Williams

“The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day He created spring.”
Bern Williams

Spring!  The season of new birth.  Everything about spring reminds me of Clara.  The new flowers on the rose bushes, the pink blossoms on her tree, the sun shining, the green grass, and celebration of Easter.  Even the rain reminds me of her.  The way it comes and goes reminds me of the waves of tears I shed, then and now, for her.  If I could live in a single season, it would be spring 🙂

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The CarlyMarie Project – Day 12

                                         Music

 

Over the course of the past few years I have shared music that reminds me of Clara.  Each year that list grows by a song of two.  After lots of thought I felt like there is a part of grief that often doesn’t get talked about.  It is a time that should be filled with tremendous happiness.  For mothers who have lost a baby, this time can be filled with apprehension, sadness, and happiness.  That time is pregnancy and first year of life.

Frozen has become a much watched movie in my home.  As I have been working on this years CarlyMarie Project I have found one of the songs to really touch my heart.  It isn’t because of the overall lyrics, although there are several lines that do speak volumes to how I felt.  For the First Time in Forever shows the back and forth battle my heart went through being both happy and fearful.

elsa-anna

 “I’m getting what I’m dreaming of. A chance to change my lonely world.  A chance to find true love.”

When I got pregnant with Lincoln just 6 weeks after we lost Clara we were happy.   I had a chance to fill our empty, aching arms with another little life.  How could I not be excited?  I was going to have another chance to hold a little one.  I was excited and yet I was very fearful.

“Don’t let them in.  Don’t let them see.  Be the good girl you always have to be.”  

There were days I just wanted to scream how fearful I was and yet I couldn’t.  I often heard “Fear isn’t from God.  Good women of Christ give it to God and then they can find peace.”  It made me feel as though I needed to hide the feelings of my heart so that I could be that “good woman of Christ”.  I did give my fears to God, but I am human and I can still feel fearful.  I can worry and still feel everything will be okay.

Today I am no longer having children and my littlest is 19 months old.  The back and forth that Anna and Elsa have in this song has subsided a bit but the song brings back those bittersweet months and years of elation and apprehension.  It is a back and forth I hope outsiders can look into and be the friend that asks about it.  Ask that mom what she fears most.  Listen to her.  Hug her.  Let her know that it is okay and normal.  You will help heal her heart!

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