Music

 

Over the course of the past few years I have shared music that reminds me of Clara.  Each year that list grows by a song of two.  After lots of thought I felt like there is a part of grief that often doesn’t get talked about.  It is a time that should be filled with tremendous happiness.  For mothers who have lost a baby, this time can be filled with apprehension, sadness, and happiness.  That time is pregnancy and first year of life.

Frozen has become a much watched movie in my home.  As I have been working on this years CarlyMarie Project I have found one of the songs to really touch my heart.  It isn’t because of the overall lyrics, although there are several lines that do speak volumes to how I felt.  For the First Time in Forever shows the back and forth battle my heart went through being both happy and fearful.

 “I’m getting what I’m dreaming of. A chance to change my lonely world.  A chance to find true love.”

When I got pregnant with Lincoln just 6 weeks after we lost Clara we were happy.   I had a chance to fill our empty, aching arms with another little life.  How could I not be excited?  I was going to have another chance to hold a little one.  I was excited and yet I was very fearful.

“Don’t let them in.  Don’t let them see.  Be the good girl you always have to be.”  

There were days I just wanted to scream how fearful I was and yet I couldn’t.  I often heard “Fear isn’t from God.  Good women of Christ give it to God and then they can find peace.”  It made me feel as though I needed to hide the feelings of my heart so that I could be that “good woman of Christ”.  I did give my fears to God, but I am human and I can still feel fearful.  I can worry and still feel everything will be okay.

Today I am no longer having children and my littlest is 19 months old.  The back and forth that Anna and Elsa have in this song has subsided a bit but the song brings back those bittersweet months and years of elation and apprehension.  It is a back and forth I hope outsiders can look into and be the friend that asks about it.  Ask that mom what she fears most.  Listen to her.  Hug her.  Let her know that it is okay and normal.  You will help heal her heart!

#WhatHealsYourHeart
#CaptureYourGrief