Before

Every life situation changes us.  The loss of a child is no different.  I recognize that there is a very big split in my life. There will always be a before and after me.  The before me knew loss and knew it well.  I just didn’t realize that after watching so many other parents lose their older children, that I would lose a little one.

The “before” me knew sadness, anger, frustration, joy, love.  The “before” me loved her job outside the home and often gave up time with her family to do it.  The “before” me knew disappointment very well.  She also knew pain, both physical and emotional.  The “before” me learned to be carefree and how to distance herself from emotions.  She never knew who she would hurt when she shared her true feelings so keeping them inside and hidden was best.  She always wore a smile and very rarely told anyone that she was hurting.

 The “before” me was angry that people didn’t listen to her when she did speak or ask for changes.  She was angry that people felt Clara’s life wasn’t worth being a part of.  She was angry that people couldn’t let her care for her own family.  She was angry that adults could take out their frustrations on two young boys but unfortunately it didn’t surprise her either.

The “before” me was always looking for a way to escape.  She really wanted God, but kept getting pulled away.  She couldn’t quite place why yet.  She was searching and wondering if she was just not good enough.

The “before” me loved her husband and her kids.  She wanted so much more for them.  She thought she had all the time in the world to find herself and teach her kids.  She expected that she would get many more years, whether they were easy or hard she didn’t know.  She thought she had been given so much to deal with in her short years that the sun was beginning to peek through the storm and that life was on the way to getting better.

#CaptureYourGrief
#WhatHealsYourHeart