Heart

My heart always carries so much.  One of the most precious things I carry within it is the memories of a little lady.  Her heartbeat, her movements before she was born, her grand entrance, her smile, her laugh, her cry.  There is so much to hold onto.  Some people say that when you lose a child there is forever a hole in your heart, one that can never be filled.  Although we can’t fill it completely, I feel like it can be almost whole.  By filling my heart so full of memories I can make that hole seem so very small.  The times when I feel the hole in my heart grow wider are times when I forget to remember the memories.  Letting the pieces fall one by one, tear by tear, feeling emptier and emptier.  Sometimes something will rip that hole wide open and all the pieces fall to the floor with a wave of tears.  But when I focus my heart on celebrating her life, remembering the good times we shared, I can fill up most of that void again.  For a time I can feel almost whole until the next time my heart falls.   Some day I will see my little blond haired, blue eyed girl again.  The girl who shot poop 3 feet across the room, who peed on Daddy more times than the boys, who got to spend 111 days in our arms and countless more in my womb.  Today and everyday I carry a beautiful memory in my heart and her name is Clara.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)