Signs

I don’t often feel “signs” of Clara but when I do they feel like big things.  One year it was flowers blooming on the day a friend had to let their little girl fly to Heaven.  The roses hadn’t bloomed much all year but for some reason they bloomed on this particular day as if to say, I have a new friend here.

I think for me the biggest sign I ever got was shortly after the Run for Their Lives run a few years back.  We were blessed to have a huge turnout of family and friends in memory of Clara.  We thought it was awesome that so many had come out to show their love and support for our baby girl.  That year the support they offered allowed us to win a tree to plant in memory of Clara!!  We were thrilled.  That wonderful feeling was short lived though.  I noticed a big divide on our team.  There was one group that stayed together and talked about Clara and how much of an honor it was to be running and walking in memory of her.  As I walked up to the other group to invite them to the picnic area I overheard them thanking another member of our team for asking them to join them.  More specifically, “Thank you for inspiring us to run today.  We couldn’t have done it without your support. Can’t believe we can cross a 5K off our bucket lists!.”

At that point I realized that it wasn’t Clara’s memory that was being honored by the whole team.  I quietly left the group and asked for help on what to do with the tree.  I couldn’t ever plant it in memory of her because it wasn’t earned in memory of her.  There were so many other deserving families who should have earned it.  I prayed about it for many weeks until one night I knew what to do with it.  That night I sent an email.  You see, there was a family who was moving to a new home.  I wasn’t sure if there were able to take the tree they had planted in memory of their son with them.  I wondered if the whole reason we got the tree was to give it to another family in memory/honor of their son and not my little girl.

The next morning I placed the certificate for the tree in the mail.  It was off to help heal the soul of a family that had been praying about what to do since they would be leaving their sons tree behind.  I had no idea that the night I had been praying, so had they.

Since that time I have really changed my focus from expecting others to honor the memory of my little one to feeling blessed if they do.  I have realized that giving to others feels so much better than asking others to help me.  I realized that the tree we won was not really Clara’s.  It belonged to a family who had been praying for an answer to their tears.  It  was so that they could have a little bit of Heaven at their new home.

 I truly think Clara and Paxton had a hand in making sure both Moms tears were dried and their hearts felt loved.