Emotional Triggers

Today I chose a picture of Clara with two of her friends.  Watching the girls grow up is a way to really see what Clara might be doing if she was still here.  It is cool to see them next to Lincoln, Preston, and Haleigh.  I can’t imagine life with four under 4 but I bet it would be exciting.  Yes, some days it stinks because it can make you really miss what you don’t have but I try not to look at it that way.  I try to be positive about it because I really do enjoy spending time with these girls.  Their hugs melt my heart.

I think really anything can be an emotional trigger but I think it depends on the day on how it affects me.  Some days it can be a movie or seeing that someone else has been or will be experiencing the pain of losing a child.  Sometimes emotions are triggered by something I read or something someone says.  It can be a song or a poem.   Days like the first day of school, her birthday, Mother’s Day, her angelversary are emotional days.  Most of the time these things will bring tears.  Some of those tears fall others wait for another day until I can’t hold them back anymore.

More often than sadness there are things that happen that create a smile.  Sometimes it is even the same triggers I mentioned before.  Like her birthday… I do feel sad because I wish I was sharing it with her but I am also happy to celebrate her life, to do something with the kids in her memory.  We also like to get a little girl off the angel tree that would be Clara’s age.  This is a way for us to shop for something we might have bought for her and create some happiness while we do it.  Last year the boys giggled when we had to walk through the doll aisle.  Then they suggested a bike since Lincoln was already riding one Clara would be too.  It brought a smile to my heart to know they do enjoy shopping for another little girl.

I think the birth of another child can trigger about every emotion the human heart can dish out.  I remember Lincoln’s birth being very hard emotionally.  He is the only baby we found out gender because we wanted to be as prepared as possible.  What if this baby was a girl, would we be able to reuse clothes, the room, take her to daycare.  What if this baby is a boy…would we be sad because of gender?  Is it wrong to feel sad because baby is a boy?  Okay, now we feel guilty, are we really trying to replace Clara?  Are we replacing Clara?  You get my drift.  It is an emotional roller coaster that we felt with Lincoln, Preston, and Haleigh.

While we were expecting Haleigh we decided that there would be no more children.  After all this was my 7th pregnancy and soon to be 6th birth.  We didn’t find out if we were having a boy or girl.  We really do like the surprise that comes on delivery day.  It also helped in our healing.  We were prepared to have a boy and hoping for a girl.  That day the delivery room was filled with such emotion and anticipation.  Not just from us but from the staff at the hospital too.  After being being in that delivery room 4 times in the past 4 years, the ladies knew us very well.  One nurse even switched her days off so she could be there with us!!  I think just about every nurse was in the delivery room with us.  It was amazing and when Haleigh was born that room erupted into cheers and tears.  It was then that I realized these ladies had been hoping and praying for us too.

Now that Haleigh is getting bigger she is outgrowing her sisters hand me downs.  Deciding what to do with them can set off a whole range of emotions.  I am aware and reminded that it is just “stuff’ but it is the only physical thing left from Clara. One thing that helps is that Haleigh wore it too which makes it less Clara’s and thus easier to part with.  Each time I give away or sell some of Clara’s things it is a struggle and yet some relief.

Last but not least, the largest emotional trigger for me… touching the cold hand or face of a baby.  I can’t even describe the panic, fear, want to barf all over feeling I get when I check on the kids and their bodies are cool to the touch.  The “gentle” shove you give them to make sure they are still here quickly calms the shaking hands of this mother and brings tears.  Sometimes those tears are because I just woke a sleeping baby and other times they are ones of relief and sadness that I know someone else just did the same thing and they weren’t so lucky.