Memory
Today is a hard day for me because I have so many good memories of the time we had with Clara. There is however one memory that sticks with me and replays in my mind more often than that awful May day that she left us. Quite honestly I am ashamed to even write this but I know to be truthful I should. One day, shortly before she passed, I got frustrated with Clara and the look in her eyes and on her face is one that I can’t get out of my mind. It is a look that I have never seen in any of my kids eyes and hope I never do again. That day didn’t include and hitting or anything, I just looked at her and told her I don’t have a clue what you want. With tears streaming down both our faces we just sat and looked at each other. To this day I feel like I let her down. I pray every day that she did know I loved her very much. I know it still affects me today as I interact with my little ones and even by big boys. I am much more aware of how I react to them and how my words can affect them. I try my best not to “knock them down a notch”.
This big smiley girl taught me that being a parent isn’t easy but I can do it and do it with respect for my children’s feelings. I can parent without tearing them down. I can parent without creating fear. I can parent in a better way that earns the respect of my kids rather than demanding it.
