Daily Archives: October 7, 2013

CarlyMarie Project – Day #7

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You Now

I am far from the amount of pain I experienced 4 years ago and yet sometimes it is just a memory, song, or word away.  A friend once posted that grief is like an ocean.  You are in deep waters in the beginning and slowly get to shore.  Once on shore you are always in view of the ocean and once in a while your toes might get wet.  I believe this to be very much how my grief is.

While I am sad that we lost Clara, I am thankful for Lincoln, Preston, and Haleigh.  Without Clara’s passing we might not have known the amount of love we could have shared with more children.  It is Clara’s passing that also made my husband and I re-evaluate our priorities to focus more on our family and subsequently me becoming a stay at home mom.  It is great to be able to share time with Damon and Mason too.  Their stories of Clara help me too.

I am no longer the shy girl I once was.  Throughout my journey I have been given the opportunity to share support with other families who have lost children.  I don’t seek them out, God brings them to me.  Being able to speak to those I don’t know or even a large group of people is something I never thought I could do and yet something I do often.  Creating awareness has become important to me as well as helping others.

I found this picture last night as I was searching for am image to use today.  Although it is not my family it is perfect.  I love the boys are wearing pink which is a reminder of Clara.  I think it is the best representation of where my grief and my families grief is right now.  We are no longer in the ocean but we always see it in the distance.   Just as the ocean is view is beautiful so are the memories we have of Clara.  We are happy and yet miss our daughter and sister and think of her often.

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CarlyMarie Project – Day #6

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Ritual

“Every day may not be good… but there’s something good in every day.”

You don’t need to lose a child to know the daily struggles humans have with focusing our talk and lives on all the negative things that happen every day.  I found that to be even more true after Clara passed.  I got into a slump and for a while could only see the negative in each day.  I quickly realized that for the sake of my husband and children I needed to find a way to turn things around.  I stumbled upon a quote online and it became my mantra.  I posted it at work, on the mirror in my bathroom, in my kitchen, pretty much everywhere.  I started keeping a journal of the one or more good things that happened each day.  It could be a smile from a stranger, a hug, a great conversation, a hug from my family, really nothing was too small.  It really changed my outlook on Clara’s passing.  It became less of a punishment and more about celebrating her and her time with us.  I found the days to pass more quickly again and my pain to be less.  Today I still remind myself of this quote because there are days that I am overworked and stressed and seem to lose focus on the good things.  I don’t want to miss out on those good things because of a bad day.

When it comes to special days we also have some yearly things we do.  Since Clara’s birthday is in January and her grave is quite the undertaking to get to so we release balloons from our home.  We all write messages to Clara and release them to Heaven.  Once in a while they get caught in the neighborhood trees and when they do we explain to the boys that Clara can’t read all the balloons right away and that God is just keeping them in the trees so she doesn’t lose them.  The next day the balloons are gone and the boys are thrilled.

In May we visit her grave and bring her a new solar light and flower.  The boys will sometimes want to send off a balloon or two.  This year her passing day was Mother’s Day so we brought a few extra flowers and spent a little more time.  We also try to visit our daycare and remind her that we are thankful for her and her love for our kids.

June is probably our favorite special day.  We get to walk in memory of Clara and other babies lost too soon to SIDS in the annual “Run for Their Lives!” 5k run/walk.  We always get our picture taken by her memory sign.  It is the one time each year that we get a true family picture.  We look forward to it each year.

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CarlyMarie Project – Day #5

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Memory

Today is a hard day for me because I have so many good memories of the time we had with Clara. There is however one memory that sticks with me and replays in my mind more often than that awful May day that she left us. Quite honestly I am ashamed to even write this but I know to be truthful I should. One day, shortly before she passed, I got frustrated with Clara and the look in her eyes and on her face is one that I can’t get out of my mind. It is a look that I have never seen in any of my kids eyes and hope I never do again. That day didn’t include and hitting or anything, I just looked at her and told her I don’t have a clue what you want. With tears streaming down both our faces we just sat and looked at each other. To this day I feel like I let her down. I pray every day that she did know I loved her very much. I know it still affects me today as I interact with my little ones and even by big boys. I am much more aware of how I react to them and how my words can affect them. I try my best not to “knock them down a notch”.

This big smiley girl taught me that being a parent isn’t easy but I can do it and do it with respect for my children’s feelings. I can parent without tearing them down. I can parent without creating fear. I can parent in a better way that earns the respect of my kids rather than demanding it.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/ #CaptureYourGrief

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