Myths

“She never cries and doesn’t seem sad at all. I don’t think she loved her baby very much.”

In my own grief I quickly found out that not enough public tears can be just as “wrong” and too many.  I am a very private griever.  I prefer to cry in the darkness of my bedroom where no one can judge me. Little did I know that because I didn’t break down very often in public, I was being judged.

I hear so many grieving parents say, “My family just doesn’t understand why I cry so much. They tell me to get over it or when are you going to get better.”  Sadly it is all too common.  But what happens when you smile during your grief?  One might say you are in denial, that you need help so that you can grieve.  Some won’t say a word to you but will say to others, “She never cries and doesn’t seem very sad.  I don’t think she actually loved her baby.”

Yes both happened to me.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  We are individuals with our own life experiences.  My own life experiences had me attend the funerals of 4 high school classmates, 2 grandparents, and my brother.  I had seen firsthand how each mother grieved.  Let me say not one mother grieved like the next yet every one of them loved their child.

I believe that just as we should grieve our loss we should also celebrate their life.  My husband and I celebrated Clara’s life!  We looked for positive things in each day and focused our heart there.  We laughed and we cried for enjoying the day.  We questioned our positive attitude, our ability to feel happiness in such a tragic time in our lives.  We cried and cried and cried.  We faced the world with a smile and we were judged.  Judged for “not loving our baby girl”, “moving on too quickly”, “for choosing to share our love with another child”.  And in the heat of that judgement, we kept our smile and positive attitude because God knows our heart and our intentions.  He knows our hurt and our suffering.  His comfort surpasses all those on earth.

Just because tears aren’t flowing doesn’t mean love wasn’t there.  I loved my baby girl enough to celebrate and mourn her at the same time.  I loved her enough to put my total faith in God that I will see her again.  I loved her so much it broke my heart to leave her lay on the emergency room bed, alone and know I would never hold her on this earth again.  For me no tears can express that kind of hurt and that kind of love.