Monthly Archives: October 2013

CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #29

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Healing

Some say you never really heal after the loss of a child while others say you heal but you will always be different.  I feel like it is a little of both.  Healing takes courageous effort.  One must be willing to work, willing to feel hurt, willing to try again tomorrow.  My own healing has been a long journey.  One of much pain, love, and courage.  I feel like the single most healing thing for me has been doing the reflection and journaling for the Carly Marie Project.  I had tremendous healing with the 2012 project.  The project makes you think about the things that ultimately change your life and shaped you.  You take the time to reflect and ask yourself: why do I feel this way, why did this make me feel so hurt, why does this make me smile?

After the project I put together all my thoughts and created a book to keep.  I found that it almost erased some of those bad memories I kept holding onto.  The writing turned out to be much more therapeutic that I could have ever imagined.  That is why I chose to continue the project this year.  I am amazed at how a single year has changed how I feel about some things and yet others remain the same.

I would encourage everyone who is dealing with the loss of a child to complete this project.  You don’t have to do it publicly.  Write it down in a journal at home and place it safely with the special things you have kept for you child.  This project comes with tears but the healing that can take place if you take the time to reflect each day is amazing.  I will be forever greatful for taking the chance and completing the project.  I hope you will find a similar healing.

Courage doesn’t always roar.  
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #28

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Special Place

“Peace. 
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.
In means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” 

We have a few special places for Clara.   Today I picked the “peanut” we designed in her memory.  We often called Clara out little peanut and when she passed we found it fitting to create a peanut shaped area in our yard to hold her tree.  The bench is perfect for when we want to go out and reflect or just have some quiet time.  One each side of the bench are lilies.  We try to decorate the area for the holidays.

The kids love watching the blooms bud and open each year.  This year it produced fruit and the boys watched them grow.   Someday Clara’s tree will be the pinkest place in town, until then we watch it grow and hope it is as beautiful as she would have been.

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #27

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Signs

I don’t often feel “signs” of Clara but when I do they feel like big things.  One year it was flowers blooming on the day a friend had to let their little girl fly to Heaven.  The roses hadn’t bloomed much all year but for some reason they bloomed on this particular day as if to say, I have a new friend here.

I think for me the biggest sign I ever got was shortly after the Run for Their Lives run a few years back.  We were blessed to have a huge turnout of family and friends in memory of Clara.  We thought it was awesome that so many had come out to show their love and support for our baby girl.  That year the support they offered allowed us to win a tree to plant in memory of Clara!!  We were thrilled.  That wonderful feeling was short lived though.  I noticed a big divide on our team.  There was one group that stayed together and talked about Clara and how much of an honor it was to be running and walking in memory of her.  As I walked up to the other group to invite them to the picnic area I overheard them thanking another member of our team for asking them to join them.  More specifically, “Thank you for inspiring us to run today.  We couldn’t have done it without your support. Can’t believe we can cross a 5K off our bucket lists!.”

At that point I realized that it wasn’t Clara’s memory that was being honored by the whole team.  I quietly left the group and asked for help on what to do with the tree.  I couldn’t ever plant it in memory of her because it wasn’t earned in memory of her.  There were so many other deserving families who should have earned it.  I prayed about it for many weeks until one night I knew what to do with it.  That night I sent an email.  You see, there was a family who was moving to a new home.  I wasn’t sure if there were able to take the tree they had planted in memory of their son with them.  I wondered if the whole reason we got the tree was to give it to another family in memory/honor of their son and not my little girl.

The next morning I placed the certificate for the tree in the mail.  It was off to help heal the soul of a family that had been praying about what to do since they would be leaving their sons tree behind.  I had no idea that the night I had been praying, so had they.

Since that time I have really changed my focus from expecting others to honor the memory of my little one to feeling blessed if they do.  I have realized that giving to others feels so much better than asking others to help me.  I realized that the tree we won was not really Clara’s.  It belonged to a family who had been praying for an answer to their tears.  It  was so that they could have a little bit of Heaven at their new home.

 I truly think Clara and Paxton had a hand in making sure both Moms tears were dried and their hearts felt loved.

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #26

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Community

“When a child dies,
a little bit of our dream breaks away,
a little bit of our future is erased before it is ever written.”
Unknown 

If there is one thing I have learned from the community of bereaved parents, it is that they don’t question why you keep bringing up your child.   The understand the sadness that 1st words, 1st steps, 1st birthday, 1st day of school, 16th birthday, graduation, weddings bring.   They understand why family pictures can be hard.  They understand why comments from others can hurt, even when we are told they shouldn’t.  Just like me, they know how much not getting to write a future that includes your little one hurts.  Just like me, they know the pain of dreams being broken and futures gone and yet we are there for each other.  We talk, listen, share, and hold each other.  Sometimes we are worlds apart and yet we can feel their comfort as if we were hugging each other in person.  This community is out there using their broken dreams to raise awareness so that maybe we can help another family write their future in a way we only wish we could.

#CaptureYourGrief

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #25

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#SayItOutLoud

After talking to many moms who have lost children this is one phrase we all agree on.  Heaven has plenty of angels…saying God needed another one makes me feel angry, lost, and brings little comfort.   I find it to be a close variation of “I went home hugged my kids and thanked God that they are still with me.”  No one ever means to upset a newly bereaved parent but sometimes those words do just that.

My hope would be that instead of using “God needed another angel” to offer comfort or condolences, you would offer something else.  A simple “I am sorry for the loss of your little one” is better in my opinion and that of many moms who are missing little ones every day.

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #24

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Artwork

“Mom, I am afraid I am going to forget Clara!!!” ~ Mason 8yrs old

Several weeks ago Mason found a foot key chain with the poem “Footprints” on it.  He lost it and was crying and very upset.  When we were able to finally get him to talk he told me about how afraid he was.  Afraid he might forget his sister and the fun times they had together.  He said there is already so many things he doesn’t remember.  His older brother Damon, who was 5 at the time, remembers the day she passed very well even though they were outside playing when everything happened.  He remembers the ambulance and firetrucks arriving, our daycare lady crying, our daycare’s husband hugging them.  Mason was only 4 and doesn’t remember nearly as much about that day nor the week following.

So Mason and I looked through Clara’s box.  Through her clothes and pictures too.  He cried as he tried to remember some of the memories I had.  He did seem to calm down when he got to hold her paci, musical rabbit, and an outfit he remembered very well.  I asked him if there was anything he wanted so he could remember.  He asked for a picture and put it in his room, on the wall next to his bed.

After that night I knew I needed to create something that would include some items from Clara as well as things we have done since she passed.  I decided to make shadow boxes for both Mason and Damon.  I wanted them to help by picking out an outfit of hers that reminded them of her.  That actually turned into looking at pictures of Clara and then the picked the outfit that matched their favorite picture.  Damon picked the outfit that we took their Easter picture in.  So his box has a pretty stripe dress and a picture of the boys and her.  Mason picked the dress she wore on Mother’s day.  He said he remembered her eating her dress all day and that we had to change her outfit because it was all wet, just like we do with Haleigh.  Perfect!

I added a few things like the funeral handouts, the buttons we wear for the run each year, a picture of them reading with her.  I have a few more things I would like to add like the pink ties my brothers wore for the funeral and a couple of pink and yellow flowers.

Both boys like them and have them displayed in their room.  Mason makes me giggle because he said he may decide to put it in his special box under his bed so that it doesn’t get broke.  “I want to keep it safe so that when I have my own house, I can hang it up.”  Makes my heart melt!!

I have saved a few other outfits just in case the 3 little ones want something like this for the sister they never got to meet.  Lincoln is 3.5yrs old and starting to ask about when he can meet his sister Clara.  I have already had to explain that right now she is in Heaven.  My wish is that they would want to have a box and some special items to know her by.  Knowing she is in Heaven is one thing to comprehend but having something tangible to hold can help in understanding she was here but isn’t anymore.

Explaining the truth never gets easier but making memories with them so that they can “hold” her in their hearts makes it worth it.

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #23

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Jewelry/Tattoo

I am not much of a jewelry wearer.  I think due to having little babies around still.  I don’t know about others but the fear of having my earrings yanked keeps me from wearing too much just yet.  I am sure in a few years it will be different.  I do wear a few necklaces that my kids got me after Clara passed.  I also found a ring with Clara’s birthstone.

My older boys are drawn to hearts when they go looking for birthday or Christmas gifts for mom.  Both necklaces are their picks for me.  I wear them with often and think of the time we shared with Clara as a family of 5.  They pick thick chains “so that the babies can play with them”.  They are so thoughtful and wise beyond their years!!

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #22

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Words

She believed she could so she did…

My husband got me this tile the Christmas after Clara died.  He said it reminded him of exactly what he saw me do everyday.

Everyday after we lost Clara I believed I could get out of bed and I did.  Everyday I believed I could find something positive to focus on and I did.  Everyday I believed I could remember Clara and I did.  Everyday I believed God would help me and He did.  Everyday I believed that I could be strong and I was.  Everyday I believed I could love another child without forgetting/replacing Clara and I did.  Everyday I have believed my faith could get me through and it did.

Everyday you have the choice to believe in yourself, your family, your Faith, your strength.  Make today the day you say, “I did it!”

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CarlyMarie Project 2013 – Day #21

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Honor

Mother’s Milk Bank:

When Clara left us I was still pumping and freezing milk for her.  We had begun adding formula to her diet but still wanted to give breast milk too.  When our arms were left empty my body was left hurting.  Every 3 hours my body reminded me that I should have a baby to feed.  Through the funeral planning, visitation, funeral, and the next few weeks I was constantly reminded.  I pumped and cried.  It felt like such a waste.   Any mom can tell you how difficult it is to throw breast milk away.

I stumbled upon a site about breast milk banking and realized this was what I needed to do.  I called the Sioux Falls, SD Hospitals and spoke to their NICU staff.  I found no place in SD to donate to but Denver, CO had a location.  I made the call that not only left me in tears but also the lady on the other end.  She was amazing and did everything she could to make sure Clara and my milk was able to make it to Denver.  She said that every year they have about 5 mother’s who donate in memory of their child.  They have a care package they send to these wonderful, caring women who in their time of loss think of how they can save others.  Our milk would be used for very premature babies who still can’t tolerate formula.  Breast milk is so gentle on their bodies and helps decrease their risk of things like intestinal infections or surgery complications.

Our small donation of 350 ounces made between 150-200 bottles available to these precious little lives.

Below is a chart of current donation locations.  In 2010 I donated again to Coralville IA (Iowa City).  That is the current location that Eastern South Dakota NICU’s receive their donated milk from.  I encourage mom’s to check it out.

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Lach’s Legacy:

Each year we give to Lach’s Legacy in Clara’s memory.  Our wish is that the care package that meant so much to us, is there for others.  We also appreciate the “Run for Their Lives!” 5K each year and want to continue to help make it successful.

CJ Foundation for SIDS:

We also give in memory here as well.  Some day hopefully we can detect those babies at high risk for SIDS and it can only happen with research. CJ Foundation for SIDS also is a key educator for care givers and parents on SIDS risk reduction as well as a place to seek help for creating home town awareness.

Peer Contact:

Connecting with others helps keep Clara’s memory alive.  I know that I can listen to others talk about their babies and know that they will not judge me for talking about mine.  Speaking her name isn’t weird or awkward because they too want to talk about their baby.  It is a bond that will last a lifetime.

Carly Marie Project:

Last but not least I do this project in memory of Clara.  I find it to create awareness to infant loss as well as help those who have never experienced the loss of a child help someone around them.  This project touches so many lives.  Not just mine or my friends, but all those who take the chance to read it.  I find that for 31 days I can freely talk about Clara, my feelings, my projects, my heart without feeling like a burden.  For 31 days I can share my faith without having to look for a “perfect opportunity”.  For 31 days grieving the loss of a child isn’t hidden or shameful.  For 31 days you get to see what it is like for a parent to lose a child and what they deal with 365 days a year.

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