I recently came across this article on Facebook.  http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/abusive-theology-piper-mahaney  Reading it made me really think about things people said to me after Clara passed.

I felt like her death was somehow a punishment for things I had done in the past.   Could it??

While my anger toward God was far less than it could have been and less than what others have shared with me, I found myself in constant battle with the punishment aspect.  I have made some pretty bad choices in my past, did they finally catch up to me??  Did I have this coming?  Did I ruin my husbands relationship with his daughter because of my mistakes??  The list could keep going.  Does God really punish us?  I really had to search for answers.  I finally came to the conclusion that if you truly ask for forgiveness then the slate is clean.  But is it??  That thought lingered in my mind for a long time.

I finally got past this roadblock in my grief after working with several other mom’s who have also lost a child.  God isn’t punishing me or punishing my daycare provider.  It was simply her time to leave.  Whenever people say “what did I do to deserve this” after the death of a child I try to remind them, and myself, God isn’t punishing them…that isn’t what He does.  He isn’t punishing the child that has left either.  I think this explanation works well… god is not like an abusive father, filled with unpredictable rage. Who’s family must walk on eggshells, afraid of suddenly enraging him and should he be provoked, lash out. My God forgives and holds me…not cruelly punish me by taking my child or allowing my child to suffer.  I don’t think anyone should ever, ever say someone deserved to lose a child or that the loss was punishment.  EVER.  It leaves way too many questions and too much anger in ones heart and leaves little room for faith.

Someone once told me that everything, all the loss of life, I had experienced in my teens was preparing me for something big.  I couldn’t help but wonder if that was really true.

In high school I lost several classmates, friends, and family members.  By the time I started college I had been to 4 kids funerals and several relative’s.  I was always told God had something big planned for me, that I needed to get through these for something bigger.  What could be that big that I needed all this pain???  Was I really being prepped for something because if so I wanted to skip it, let someone else handle it.

Whenever something big did happen, I would wonder is this it??  Then after only a few short years of meeting my little brother I was hit with what I thought was the “something really big”.  My brother took his own life just 3 short weeks before Clara was born.  I will never forget reading “I will miss you” text message that night after work.  I drove home thinking he sent that message to me by mistake, maybe he broke up with a girl.  Little did I know that waiting at home was my husband with terrible news.  That would be  the last message I would get.  I watched my dad and step mom go through the most painful thing ever.  I will never forget the sound of a mother’s pain.  It is gut wrenching.  Someone said to me, “you are being prepared for something”.  Then 4 1/2 months later my baby died.

Does God groom us?  I don’t know.  I can say that my life experiences did help me with how I deal with her loss.  But did I have to endure each loss to be able to handle my own?  Maybe not, I know others who haven’t dealt with near as much death and they have made it through their grief just fine.

I think it is less about preparing and more about having faith through your grief.

For me, it’s about keeping faith that I am not being punished or that I somehow deserved this.  It is knowing and remembering that my child isn’t being punished.  It takes faith to know that  my child knows no more pain, no more suffering.  That she will always be smiling, skipping, playing.  That never more will she shed a tear.  It is with faith that I am reminded that we will someday we will meet her again.