No, it’s not just a puzzle category on Wheel of Fortune. It can also be used to categorize your life after you have suffered the loss of a child. Your life is forever split. Memories are stored and recalled by the split. My husband and I often say “that was before Clara’s death” or “after Clara’s death”. Even our older boys who are 8 & 9 use these two phrases often. Our lives were so profoundly changed and the loss so great that life is and will never be the same. Perhaps making the distinction between before and after also helps to feel as though there is no replacement of our daughter. No memories are the same, no child will fill the void, nothing is the same.
Over the past 4 years there have been things that we have done knowingly that establish that before and after feeling and other things that have been unknowingly done. These things were never planned but are easily recognized today. What should have been Clara’s first Christmas was an extremely painful holiday. My husband, kids, and I decided to put up blue lights on the tree instead of our usual white ones. It seemed to have a peaceful, low glow rather than the celebratory, trumpeting glow of the white ones. That following January we got a mailing that talked about the holidays and that newly bereaved parents often use blue lights on their Christmas trees because blue signifies their sadness or “blues”. Interesting we thought because we didn’t use the blue light for that reason but it totally fit how we felt at the time. It also signified a before Clara, after Clara moment.
Just recently we had some home decor made for us. I was shocked to find another hidden before & after. As I wrote out our family names I realized that we made a change in name length after Clara. Before Clara we have: Chris, Missy, Damon, Mason, Clara. All 5 letter names. After Clara we have: Lincoln, Preston, Haleigh. All 7 letters. The alternative names we had chosen for the last 3 were: Sophia, Grace, Franklin. Oddly enough none of them would have fit this unplanned pattern. It is interesting to see how we unknowingly show that Clara simply can’t be replaced and that our family that once was, is forever changed.
I love the little surprises like this and yet it is a huge reminder of the before & after families face after the loss of a child. As we continue down our journey we will have this pretty cool before and after moment, and a few planned ones, to hang onto instead of just sad ones. It is reminders like these that can bring a smile to my face on the days of sadness.
While our family is disjointed by a before & after, we are still one family forever.
