Today is one of those days where I want to share and yet don’t exactly know what to share.  A part of me is excited to remember the blessings Clara’s birth brought, the fun times we shared.  The other part of me is sad because of the future we didn’t get to share.  A part of me is sad that my 7yr old says his life will never be the same without his sister.  Yet another part is sad because of things we continue to struggle with today.

4 years ago today we were anticipating Clara’s birth.  We had no idea our “snails and puppy dog tails” home would be filled with “sugar and spice”.  My husband was writing in her baby book about the presidential inauguration that happened the day before.  She was going to be part of a something big 🙂  Today we watch as that same president is sworn into office again but this time without her.   She was also the light in the middle of sadness from my brother’s death.  Born just 21 days after he took his life, I was sad that it would be a long time before she would meet him…or so I thought.  She brought a twinkle of happiness to the sadness that had filled my family.  We had no idea Clara would be 1 of the 80 babies that don’t make it to their 1st birthday every year in South Dakota and yet I am thankful we didn’t know.

I often struggle with the whirlwind of things that happened after her birth and some that continue today.

Today I can’t help but wonder how life would be different if Clara were still here.  Would Lincoln and Preston be here, would my marriage still be intact, would I have met some of the wonderful ladies I have met along the way, would I have learned to speak up, what would it be like to have a little girl running around??  I don’t know.  Today is one of those special days where I can dream about her and what things would be like.  Today I can be sad and happy and very few will judge me for it.  I won’t have a preschooler next year  but I do have a memory full of happy times I did get to share with her.  Those happy times make today a day I can get through.

Wishing a Happy 4th birthday in Heaven this week to Clara, Eli, and Bria.