My CarlyMarie project 2012 is complete and in the books… literally.

I created a beautiful book to keep with my memories, good and bad, so that now I can heal.  The project was meant as a way for me to share my grief in as much or as little detail as I wanted.  I chose to be very open and honest.  Too often parents of infants aren’t allowed to share these things with others.  We are told to grieve in silence.  “We are lucky we didn’t have them longer, it would be harder to lose them”  I find this very offensive and cruel.  I wanted to share exactly how I felt, exactly how others made me feel, exactly what my baby girl meant to me, exactly what I went through.

This project brought many of you to share things with me about Clara, about your grief, about things being spoken without us knowing.  I found an even deeper appreciation for our daycare provider after learning she has flashbacks and scares, that she was able to share the sheer terror she felt as she was giving CPR, that others spoke some very unkind words to her.  I also realized how lucky we are to have someone like her.  During the project someone shared that others are using Clara’s death to explain why immunizations cause SIDS and shouldn’t be given to children.  For the record SIDS is NOT caused by vaccinations.  My husband and I are extremely hurt to hear that our daughter is being used as an example of something unfounded and simply not true.  Not only that but no one asked to use her in this manner.  They are not honoring her in any way but simply spreading garbage and false information.  They are doing a disservice to SIDS awareness.

After this project was complete I also found out that my honesty has hurt some people.

I am sorry if my words offended any of you…  This project was in no way meant to harm or hurt anyone.  Everything I wrote were things that I have already spoken to the people about.  I have been open about these hurts, trying to explain why they were hurtful.  There have been a few, “I am sorry or I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  But for the most part my hurt was met with “I can’t change the past, you need to get over it.”, “You are a harm to our family and are tearing our family apart and need counseling.”, “You don’t understand God very well.”  Those hurts are the ones I wrote about on day 28 – memories of grief.  I need to be able to move past them.  For me, I need others to know that some things are extremely hurtful.  Again these words were not meant as a stab, dig, or to harm anyone, they were just an explanation of what impacted me so greatly and what caused me to feel that my grieve was either not important or should be silenced.  This project was about healing and that was my intention and goal…to heal.

I am silent no more, but I also experienced some healing and at peace with many things.  I know that this project was something I needed to help me find peace.  I got to share about my girl, I got to help create awareness for SIDS, and I continued to have my faith in God strengthened.  I Love and Miss my baby girl everyday and so do others, but no one feels the same way that I do and no one can take over my role as her mom. I AM CLARA’S MOM!  I always was, I always will be, and no one will take that away from me.  I have beautiful memories of her, pictures, and her handprint on my heart.

Thank you to all of you who support me and to you who shared your journey.  I am simply amazed at how “normal” I feel, how upset you would have felt, and how many of you have such loving comments to share.  THANK YOU!

If you are curious about the actual project you can visit the webpage at: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html